She jokes

My wife really hates that I have no sense of direction.

So I packed my things and right.

What is it called when a girl in the military squirts?

an honorable discharge.

(made this one up at work)

You may be a 6 in looks and a 7 in bed, but when it comes to piss play, baby...

Urinate.

Say what you like about Donald Trump

You know... while you still can.

A man driving down a winding country lane noticed two people on the road.

They were wearing robes and sandals, had shaved heads and holding up signs.

One sign read "The End is Near!"

The other sign read "Change Before it's Too Late!"

He slowed the car and rolled down the window. "Get lost you religious nuts!" He yelled.

He sped off round the corner. There was a squeal of brakes and a loud splash.

One of the sign- holders turned to the other and said "Maybe we should simply write 'warning: bridge ahead closed'"

What’s it called when you keep doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results?

Voting.

What do you call Spiderman when he parks his car?

Peter Parker

What do you call a musician who's been dumped by his girlfriend?

Homeless!

The England football team went to visit an orphanage in Russia this morning.

"It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible" said Anatoly, aged 6.

Beer must contain Estrogen...

When I drink enough, I can't drive or shut the hell up.

what do you call a fake fish?

A De-koi

Having sex with me is like microwaving food at 3am..

The longest minute and a half of your life!

What do you call a gay couch.

A homosectional.

My only form of income is donating blood

It's sucking the life out of me

Why was Melania so excited when Donald Trump became president

Because she can call herself the first lady instead of the third wife

NSFW: My wife said she wanted to have sex like they do in the movies...

So I pushed her against the wall, grabbed her hair from behind and drilled her up the shitter. Turns out we watch different movies.

What do you call a blond that dyes her hair?

Artificial Intelligence

Why do women fake orgasms?

Because they think we care.

Doctor: You need to stop masturbating

Me: But why?

Doc: Because I need to fucking examine you

A magician is having sex with a woman and he cums inside her.

The woman gets angry over this and yells at him "why the fuck would you cum inside me!!?"

Magician says "psyche! Check your ear!"