She jokes

My son just asked me where poo comes from, I gave him a detailed explanation, where he then stood in stunned silence.

Then he asked, “What about Tigger?”

So my friend is dating twins...

...And I said, "Isn't it hard to tell them appart?" He replied with, "Well not really, the brother has a moustache."

What do you call an iPhone 6S that ran out memory space.

Successful

"I'll do whatever I can for my constituents"

A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.

"We have two big needs," said the village headman. "First, we have a hospital but no doctor."

The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while, and then said, "I have it sorted out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?"

"We have no cellphone reception at all in our village."

I asked my girlfriend if she'd like a day of eating ice cream and hanging with her girl friends.

She said "Yes!". I said "Good, because I'm breaking up with you."

Fuck you, Chelsey.

How do you grab the attention of a pervert?

An NSFW tag

Man with premature ejaculation seeks understanding woman.

Nevermind, I'm done.

A 60 year old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception.

His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him how did he land such a hot 23 year old beauty?

“Simple,” grins the millionaire, “I faked my age."

His friends are really amazed and ask him how much he said.

"Well", he replied. "I said I was 87!"

Did you know that a piranha can devour a small child down to the bone in less than 30 seconds?

Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today...

A weasel walks into a bar.

The bartender looks up and says, “Wow! In all my years tending bar, I’ve never had a weasel stop by. What can I get you?”

“Pop,” goes the weasel.

Why was schrodinger's cat in trouble with the law?

I don't know, but he was wanted dead and alive.

What's different between Trump and the Lannisters?

A Lannister always pays his debts.

I just opened an explosive prayer mat business.

Prophets are through the roof.

What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?

"Oops"

My job sent me to a sexual harassment seminar last week...

And now, I'm thinking I'm gonna be pretty good at it.

If I had a dollar for everytime someone over 40 told me my generation sucks....

Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.

I just got a futuristic coffee maker.

It was a ground-breaking development.

A vendor selling ice from a street cart has a sign that says “Ise Stand.” “Mr. vendor, you seem to have accidentally confused the ‘c’ in ‘ice’ for an ‘s.’” The vendor replies, “I’m certain you are mistaken!” The next day, the vendor’s freshly repainted sign reads:

“Ice Stand, Corrected”

If Britain leaves the EU, how much space will be freed up?

1GB

I went for an early walk through the cemetery yesterday.

And as I walked I saw a man squatting behind a gravestone. “Morning” I said to him, to which he replied “no, just taking a shit”.