Four kids walk into an interview. One is American, one is British, one is African, and one is Chinese. The interviewer asks them all the same question: "In your own opinion, what do you think of the scarcity of food in other countries?" The British kid asks "What is scarcity?" The American kid asks "What are other countries?" The African kid asks "What is food?" And the Chinese kid asks "What is my own opinion?"
Bernie said he's going to legalize marijuana on his first day in the Whitehouse
On his second day he'll legalize it everywhere else.
Why are Fish easy to weigh?
Because they have their own scales.
My dad always tells me he never makes the same mistake twice.
That's why I am the only child.
Not bragging, but I made six figures last year,
so they named me the year's worst employee at the toy factory.
What did Roger Stone say when he bumped into Donald Trump?
Pardon me.
When a statistician passes the airport security check, they discover a bomb in his bag. He explains. "Statistics shows that the probability of a bomb being on an airplane is 1/1000. However, the chance that there are two bombs at one plane is 1/1000000. So, I am much safer..."
I gave that movie 3.14 stars!
Cause I pi-rated it.
When is D-Day?
Everyday when you are stuttering.
If I had the power of invisibility,
I would end every argument by disappearing and saying "have I made myself clear?"
What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with a Hell's Angel?
Someone who knocks on your door and tells *you* to fuck off.
Why do Scottish men wear kilts?
Because sheep can hear zippers.
I was offered sex from a 21 year old woman...
In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person of high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon and vanilla.
What's the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer?
The prostitute can sell the same crack over and over.
When I get naked in the bathroom
the shower usually gets turned on.
Einstein, Newton and Pascal play hide and seek...
One day, Einstein, Newton, and Pascal meet up and decide to play a game of hide and seek. Einstein volunteered to be “It.” As Einstein counted, eyes closed, to 100, Pascal ran away and hid, but Newton stood right in front of Einstein and drew a one meter by one meter square on the floor around himself. When Einstein opened his eyes, he immediately saw Newton and said “I found you Newton,” but Newton replied, “No, you found one Newton per square meter. You found Pascal!”.
My girlfriend was shouting “Give it to me now! I’m so fucking wet!”
I simply told her “This umbrella is mine. Go get your own.”
Where is my wife
A young man and an old man bumped shopping carts at the grocery store. Young man: I am sorry. I wasn't watching where I was going. I was looking for my wife. Old man : Sorry. I was also looking for my wife. Young man: Well maybe we can look together. My wife is 24. She is 5'2". She has short black hair. She is wearing a pink tube top and blue Jeans. What does your wife look like? Old man: It doesn't matter. Lets look for yours.
I'm a screenwriter and I just signed an amazing 2-year deal with the parent company of Universal Pictures!
I'm going to be getting the basic cable plus HBO.
Thank god for nipples
Without it, boobs would be pointless.