She jokes

I made a list of things I needed to do today

My crush then proceeded to roll a joint out of the paper I wrote it on.

Now she's high on my to-do list

A man in Ireland finds a boy crying on the sidewalk

He walks up to the boy and says "Poor laddy, what's the matter? Why are ya crying?"

Little boy says "It's me mum you see, she just passed and now I've got no one at home for me. I'm all alone."

The man comforts the boy who's mum had just died and offers to go fetch Father Monaghan from the church.

The little boy responds "No need to fetch him, sex won't help this any."

Why doesn't America use the metric system?

They have a foot fetish

Kid: "Mom, am I ugly?"

Mom: "I told you not to call me mom in public."

What do spiders do for a job?

Web development

I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.

I do it to remind myself why there is no money in there.

I've always had an irrational fear of speed bumps.

But I'm slowly getting over it.

Oh, sure. My friend donates a kidney to the City Hospital, and he's treated like some hero.

I donate five kidneys and I get arrested.

Two guys sit at a bar. One tells the other: I opened a brothel, a blowjob is 25$ and anal is 50$.

The other guy asks: And how much is normal?

The guy replies: I don’t know, I don’t have employees.

A mother and her young son were driving in their car when a dildo suddenly flies outta nowhere and hits the windshield, the mother trying to not ruin the child’s innocence says “it was just a bug sweetie, don’t worry”

The kid replies saying “How it even got of the ground with a dick that big amazes me”

Mountains aren't just funny

They are hill areas

What happens when you cross Islam with Capitalism?

No more jokes about the profit.

A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed.

“Have you any last requests? asked the chaplain. “Yes,” replied the murderer. “Will you hold my hand?”

You know why being drunk is gay?

Because you can't think straight.

A baby seal walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “What’ll it be?”

The baby seal answers, “Anything but a Canadian Club on the rocks.”

Why do engineers mix up Halloween and Christmas?

Because OCT 31=DEC 25

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They will never allow change, even if it makes the world a brighter place.

Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S.

One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.'

The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.

"Which part did you get?"

It's difficult to say what my wife does.

She sells seashells on the seashore

A man picks up a hitchhiking priest on the highway

Soon after he sees a hitchhiking lawyer on the side of the road. He aims his car towards the lawyer with the intent to run him over, but remembers he has a priest in the car with him and swerves at the last second. He feigns innocence and says to the priest "Oh my God! That was close! I almost ran over that lawyer!", to which the priest replies "That's okay son. I got him with my door."