She jokes

A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:

Jane ate her friend's lunch.

Jane ate her friend's colon.

Not saying my Ex was fat

But it took a year for my memory foam mattress to forget her.

Last Christmas we bought a fake Christmas tree

The guy behind the counter said "Are you going to put it up yourself?" My dad said, "Don't be disgusting. I'm going to put it in the living room."

In 2022, I will avoid food that gives me diarrhea.

It's a solid plan.

I did my personal best in the 100 metres today....

74 metres.

An E, F Sharp, G, A, B, C, D, and another E walk into a bar.

The bartender shakes his head and says, “sorry, we don’t serve minors here.”

I found a pot of gold today...

Au yeah

I wrote the names of everyone I have unfriended onto a piece of paper, but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint.

Now he’s high on my list of people I never want to see again.

Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children. After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away. At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together." Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?" The priest replied, "I mean her legs." -

Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible.

Well, tell him I can't see him right now.

My friend is convinced he has the biggest balls in the world

He's so egotestical.

Superman is flying around the city, feeling horny as hell.

He suddenly spots Wonder Woman lying naked on top of a building with her legs spread apart.

He thinks, “This is my chance!” and swoops down faster than a speeding bullet, fucks her deep and hard and is gone in the blink of an eye.

Wonder Woman sits up and says, “What the hell was that?”

The Invisible Man rolls off her and says, “I have no idea but my fucking asshole hurts like hell!”

What was the first form of digital storage?

gloves

Don't buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!

It says guaranteed whiteness in 14 days.

It's been 2 weeks and I'm still Asian.

What age were you when you realized you wanted to be a dancer?

I think I was around 5, 6, 7, 8

I had a deaf girlfriend once, she left me for a guy who was also deaf.

I should have seen the signs.

What's the difference between a raver and a chemist at a club?

One drops acid while the other drops the base.

A man sued an airline company after it lost his luggage.

Sadly, he lost his case.

Why can't a blonde dial 911?

Because she can't find the eleven.

What pronouns do Amber Heard’s lawyers prefer?

Hear/say