A guy goes to the store to buy condoms...
... He walks up to the lady at the register and says: "Give me a pack of condoms, please." The lady says: "Sure, do you need a grocery bag with that?" The guy looks at her and says: "No thank you, this time she isn't that ugly."
Son: Dad do you remember your first blowjob?
Dad: Ohhh yeah I do!
Son: How did it taste?
Dad: Get out.
My wife walked in on me masturbating to an optical illusion.
I said, "Honey, it's not what it looks like!"
I recently decided to apply for Australian citizenship, and I was surprised at some of the questions they asked.
Like, they asked if I had ever been convicted of a crime. I had no idea that was still a requirement.
Why was Nikola Tesla a fan of Marvel?
Because he didn't like DC...
My friend has hired a Butler without a left arm.
Serves him right.
Kim Kardashians ass did not break the internet
It just left a big CRACK in it...
The fact Ozzy has COVID now just shows bats always get their revenge.
(All the best to them, hope he gets to live a long time)
So I got fired from my job last night for being a 'Pervert'
I don't understand why, I'm always hard at work...
Enough is Enough!
No like seriously they're the same word.
How to win the war on drugs
1) legalize all drugs. 2) require that all drugs be purchased through Comcast customer service.
A man was locked out of his apartment
He started talking calmly but firmly to the lock... Because end of the day, communication is key.
Getting tired of these people who come to my door, telling me I'm gonna burn unless I'm saved...
The flashing lights on their trucks were pretty cool to see, though.
Two scientists walk into a bar...
The first one says: "I'll have H2O, please!"
The second one says: "I'll have water too." And comments: "We aren't at work. You don't have to use those terms."
The first scientist angrily walks into the bathroom as his assassination attempt has failed
Thor, Iron Man and Hulk walk into IKEA...
Avengers... Assemble
Heisenberg and Schrodinger are out for a drive when they are stopped by the police.
"Do you know how fast you were going?" demands the cop. "No," replies Heisenberg, "but I knew where I was."
The cop sniffs, then opens the trunk and says "And do you know there is a dead cat in here?". "Well, I do *now*!" Schrodinger scowls.
Have you seen the photo of me and REM?
That's me in the corner.
So if “Ani” is short for Anakin, and “Ben” is short for Obi-Wan... and “Fives” is short for CT-27-5555... and “Artoo” is short for R2D2... and “Chewie” is short for Chewbacca... What is Luke short for?
A stormtrooper
A joke my grandmother, of all people, told me when I was a kid.
I don't know how many of y'all have heard this joke, but here it goes. Two guys were at a University of Georgia football game when one of them looks down at the Georgia Bulldog sidelines and sees Uga, the school mascot, licking himself like dogs like to do. The guy smiles, leans over to his buddy while pointing at Uga and says, "Man, I wish I could do that". His friend looks back at him in surprise and says, "Man, that dog would bite you!"
I realised at the last minute that i forgot my protective goggles at the nuclear test facility this morning. My line manager saved my vision and shielded me from the intense light!
He's my super visor