An 84 year old man to his doctor: My 24 year old wife is pregnant. Your opinion doctor?
Doctor: Let me tell you a story:
There was once a man with an umbrella walking through a forested area. Suddenly a leopard jumped in front of him. Too scared to do anything, the man holds up his umbrella against the leopard and tries to shoot. A loud bang is heard and the leopard dies on the spot.
Old man: That's impossible, somebody else must have shot the leopard!
Doctor: Exactly my point!
My wife yelled to me from upstairs.
Wife: "Do yo ever get a shooting pain across your body,
like someones got a voodoo doll of you and the're stabbing it.?"
Me: "No.. why."
Wife:. "How about now.?"
You meet a man on the Oregon Trail. He tells you his name is Terry. “Terry?!” you say laughing, “Terry’s a girls name!” Without any hesitation, Terry pulls out a gun and shoots you dead.
You have died of dissin’ Terry :(
A man comes home early from work and when he walks into his bedroom and finds his wife in bed with one of his best friends, he gets a gun and shoots him. His wife looks at her husband in shock and says if you continue to do this you won't have any friends.
How can you tell the US is getting back to normal after Covid19?
There's been two mass shootings in the past week
A man was filling up gas in his car when he got some on his jacket
Then he went in the car and lit a cigarette and catches his sleeve on fire. The man, freaking out, gets out of the car and sees a policeman sitting nearby. So he starts waving at him and yelling at him for help, and the cop gets up in a hurry and without a second delay shoots him. The man, now on the ground in excruciating pain asks why he shot him the cop says “what was I supposed to do? you were waving a firearm!”
I managed to shoot my very first turkey today, pretty proud of myself actually..
..though everyone else in the freezer section seemed a bit unhappy.
An old woman reaches the end of her life..
A very old woman realizes that she's seen and done everything and the time has come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she decides to shoot herself through the heart.
Not wanting to make a mistake, she phones her doctor and asks him the exact location of the heart. He tells her that the heart is located two inches below the left nipple.
The old woman hangs up the phone, takes careful aim and shoots herself in the left knee.
Teacher: Billy if there are 5 birds on a fence and you shoot 1 how many birds are left?
Billy: None the others would fly away at the sound of the gun.
Teacher: The answer is 4 but I like the way you think.
Billy: I have a question Miss. There are 3 women eating ice cream cones. 1 licking, 1 biting, and 1 sucking, which one is married?
Teacher blushing, nervously answers “the one sucking.”
Billy: The answer is the one wearing the wedding ring, but I like the way you think.