A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago."
"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.
"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell."
Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."
The first woman on the Moon...
"Houston, we have a problem."
"What?"
"Never mind."
"What's the problem?"
"Nothing."
"Please tell us?"
"You know what the problem is."
Why's it taking so long to legalise gay marriage in the whole of the US?
I mean, America had four fathers and it turned out alright
“Ever since she lost her job, my wife’s identical twin sister is living with us until she gets on her feet”
I told my friend.
He asked “just want to know , how do you tell them apart ?”
“ why should I ?”
I saw a guy getting jumped by 4 people so I decided to step in and help...
That guy stood no chance against the 5 of us.
A nights work...
A guy meets a sex worker in a bar.
She says, "Hey, tonight is your lucky night. I’ve got a very special game for us to play. Tonight I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words."
The guy replies, "Hey, why not?, you're on" So he proceeds to put £300 on the bar from his wallet, and says to the sex worker slowly. "Paint...my....house."
Are you a photo biographer? Because I can picture us together.
First Time
**My new girlfriend says that our first sexual experience should feel like a fairy tale.**
**I'm looking for 7 midgets to join us this evening. No weirdos please.**
Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee. The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it.
Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that. The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!" "That's nothing," says the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you.'"
One day during a war....
A tall, strong and handsome Roman soldier broke into a house where he found two luscious maidens and their matronly nurse.
Chuckling with glee, he roared, "Prepare thyselves for a conquest, my pretties."
The lovely girls fell to their knees and pleaded with him, "Do with us as thou wilt, O Roman, but spare our faithful old nurse."
"Shut thy mouth," snapped the old nurse. "War is war."
Russian POW calls home: 'Mum, I've been captured'.
Mum: 'Where are you?' POW: 'Ukraine.' Mum: 'Can you get us a Big Mac?'
The US should make DC, Guam, and PR states.
53 is a prime number.
Then we would truly be 1 nation, indivisible.
Please stop calling Donald Trump an idiot.
As an idiot myself, it's very offensive that people think he's one of us.
The headmistress at my exclusive girl’s college was lecturing us on Sexual morality...... “In moments of temptation,” she said to the class, “ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?”
She got so furious when I got up and asked “How do you make it last an hour?”
Teach us About Absolute Zero!
0K!
Randomly came up with this joke laying in bed one night - What do you call a bald eagle with the flu that migrates from Mexico to the US?
An ill eagle immigrant...
The head of KFC called the Pope
He said, "I'll give you a million dollars to change the Lord's prayer to give us our daily chicken."
The Pope said no and hung up.
KFC called back and offered 10 million.
The Pope said no and hung up.
KFC called back and offered 100 million.
The Pope said, "You have a deal!"
The Pope got all the churches big wigs together and said, "I have good news and bad news. Good news is, we are 100 million richer. Bad news is, we lost the Wonder Bread account.
What did the left pussy lip say to the right pussy lip ?
We used to be tight before we let some dick get between us.
I met a beautiful girl in the park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us and she immediately dropped to her knees and laid on the grass at my feet. As we were making love, I thought .... "These taser guns are well worth the money."
Don't drive like my brother...
I was driving with my friend. We come to a red light and he speeds up and whips right through it. I start freaking out "Hey man, your going to get us killed!" He replies "Relax, my brother drives like this." We come to another red light and he blazes right through. "You're going to get arrested or get us killed!" "Relax this is how my brother drives." We come to a green light he stops dead looking both ways. "Dude, it's green you can go." "Nah man, my brother might be coming the other way."
A small plane crashed in the middle of the desert. The pilot and co-pilot wandered around for days in search of food, but could find nothing. Finally the co-pilot announced: ‘I’m so hungry....
I’m going to chop off my dick and eat it.’ ‘Before you do,’ said the pilot. ‘Think of your girlfriend.’ ‘What’s the point? At this rate I will never see her again anyway.’ ‘I know, but if you think of her first, hopefully there will be enough for both of us
If online bullying has taught us anything.....
It's that people would sooner hang themselves than lose a bit of weight!!
Today I was in the bank when two men came in wearing masks...
Everyone felt a huge relief when they told us it's only a bank robbery.
Baby Roach: "Papa, what happens if the humans spray us with Raid?"
Papa Roach: "Suffocation. No breathing."
I'm from the southern US, is it OK to poke fun at myself?
Why don't schools in the south teach Driver's Ed and Sex Ed on same day?
Too hard on the mule.