Soviet Curfew
A man in Moscow is walking home after his day at work and he walks past a security checkpoint. One of the guards calls to him and tells him to stop, but he takes off running. The guard raises his rifle, takes aim, and shoots him dead in the street. The other guard stares at him.
“What did you do that for?” he asks.
“Curfew violation,” the other guard says.
“Curfew violation? Curfew isn’t for another half hour!”
“I know. That’s my friend. I know where he lives. He never would have made it.”
A Burglar broke into our house last night. I didn't shoot him. I just put the red laser dot on his forehead.
Our three cats did the rest.
UK police today arrested a man for shooting a starting pistol at someone.
They are treating the offence as race related.
What is the difference between a gun with a bent barrel and a constipated owl?
One can shoot but not hit, and the other can hoot but not shit.
A man runs into a bank, pulls out a gun and robs the teller. He then turns the gun on the on the first man standing in the tellers line and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The man stammered, "Yes."
Bang! The robber shoots him.
He then turns the gun on the married couple next in line, points the gun at the husband and demands, "Did you see me rob this bank?"
The husband quickly responds, "No....but my wife did!"
White people don't shoot each other in the streets like black people do.
We do it in schools, because we have class.
What's the difference between an American and a computer?
American don't have trouble shooting.
I think I figured out the source of the beef between Kyle Rittenhouse and LeBron James.
Kyle has LeBron sorely outclassed in both shooting and defense.
A worker in Russia has been standing in a liquor line for hours....
He grows tired of waiting around for so long, so he suddenly says to his friends around him “That’s it, I cannot take this anymore, please hold my place in line, I am going to shoot Putin.” They agree to hold his place and he walks off hastily.
Two hours later the worker returns. One of his friends asks him “Well, did you do it?” The worker says, “No, the line there was much longer than the line here.”
An old woman wants to commit suicide...
...by shooting herself in the heart, but she doesn't really know where the heart is.
She goes to the local doctor and asks;
"Doctor, can you please tell me where the heart is?"
"Oh, it's just below your left breast."
So the old woman walked home and shot herself in the knee.
Covid-19 stopped mass shootings faster than the government.
An American is lecturing a British person, saying things like "it's an elevator not a lift" and "it's chips not crisps," etc. After a while of this, the British person calmly retorted, "they're schools, not shooting ranges."
What do you do when you finish a magazine at a hospital? Reload and keep shooting.
During an FBI exam, three men face a scenario: to shoot their wives. The first two couldn't do it. The third admits, "The gun wasn't loaded, so I strangled her."
Say what you want about Trump...
...but he’s brought school shootings down to zero for more than an entire month.
Why can't contractors shoot each other with sealant?
Because caulk fighting is illegal.
Some say that we should bring back corporal punishment in schools.
I say we just shoot the little bastards like they do in America.
Why are Americans so good at shooting?
We have the best schools for it
I call my wife Bambi. She thinks it's because she is so cute, with big brown eyes.
Actually, it's because I would like someone to shoot her mother, with a hunting rifle.
A guy applies for a job with the L.A.P.D.
Inspector says "These are the best qualifications I've ever seen, just one more test before you get the job. Take this gun, go out and shoot six black guys and a rabbit."
Guy replies "Why the rabbit?"
Inspector says "Fantastic attitude, you've got the job!"
