I was riding the bus when I got tapped on the shoulder...
An old lady says to me, “Would you like a nut?”
I chuckled and said, “Sure, thanks.”
A couple of minutes after eating the nut, another tap on the shoulder. “Would you like another nut?”
Well, after eating a couple more nuts from the old gal I finally turned around and asked her, “Why do you have nuts if you keep giving them to me?”
She replied, “I only like the chocolate around them.”
"Dad, was I adopted as a child?"
The father sighs, places his hand on the boy's shoulder and replies wistfully:
"We tried, but nobody would take you"
Joe was standing in line at the bank...
... and noticed the man in front of him looked a bit tense. Joe began to give the man a shoulder rub.
The man turns around furiously and says "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING".
In a confused look, Joe says: you looked a bit tense and since I'm a masseuse, I thought I'd try to help you out.
The man looks at him and says: Yea? I'm a lawyer, you don't see me fucking the guy in front of me!
What do you give a cannibal who is late for dinner?
The cold Shoulder.
When my kid is upset I let her colour my tattoo!
She just needs a shoulder to Crayon
What shampoo does Stephen Hawking use? Head & Shoulders.
What goes "Chest, Chest, Chest, Chest"?
A T Rex doing "Head and Shoulders, Knees and Toes".
You racist!
An Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars at the currency exchange was getting irritated at the teller.
She asked the teller, “Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty. Why it change?”
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, “Fluctuations”.
The Asian lady says, “Fluc you white people, too!”
During my prostate exam the doctor put his hands on my shoulders and said "Dave, it's normal to get a hard-on while doing this."
"My name is not Dave," I replied.
"Yes, I know," said the doctor, "I am Dave."
The Parrot Says ...
A black guy walks into a bar with a magnificent looking parrot perched on his shoulder. The bartender says "Hey, that's awesome, where'd ya' get that thing?" And the parrot says: "Africa."
Laughing Dog
A man walks into the cinema with a dog. They start watching the movie (a comedy) and laugh and laugh all the way through it. When the lights go up, a woman who was sitting in the row behind tapped the man on the shoulder and said: " I must say I was really surprised to hear your dog laughing all through the film. "So was I" replied the man, " He hated the book!"
A woman was at the supermarket with her kid and was about to check out. When she got to the cash register, all she had was a backpack. The clerk asked her why she wanted the backpack since her kid was still very young. She responded, "I'm going to stuff my kid in the backpack and carry him around." The people behind her in line gasped at how the lady said she was going to treat her kid. The clerk shrugged his shoulders and said, "Ok lady, whatever totes your goat."
A pirate walks into a bar with a peg leg, an eyepatch, a parrot on his shoulder and a steering wheel in his pants.
The bartender says, “you’ve got a steering wheel in your pants”.
The pirate replies with, “arrr, I know, it’s driving me nuts!”.