A king’s wife was often unfaithful to him.
The king, suspecting this, decided to find out for himself. While his wife was sleeping, he snuck in and taped a bunch of razor blades to her vagina.
A week later he ordered all the knights in his kingdom to stand before him.
He ordered them to all drop their pants. They all had injured penises but one. The king went up to this knight and said, “thank you for being so loyal to me.” The knight nodded, and replied, “Oh, ith nothing, thir.”
I saw a kid being beat up by 4 adults and tried to help.
Kid couldn't stand for long against 5 adults.
I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin.
The jokes weren't that good, but I liked the execution.
Almost no one knows what the initials T and S stand for in T.S. Eliot’s name.
It’s Top Secret.
A vendor selling ice from a street cart has a sign that says “Ise Stand.” “Mr. vendor, you seem to have accidentally confused the ‘c’ in ‘ice’ for an ‘s.’” The vendor replies, “I’m certain you are mistaken!” The next day, the vendor’s freshly repainted sign reads:
“Ice Stand, Corrected”
The D.J. at a wedding reception yelled, "Would all the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."
The bartender was almost crushed to death.
Jehova
This morning someone was ringing the doorbell, so I opened the door and there was a young man standing there. "Hello sir" he said, "I'm a Jehova's Witness". I invited him in, offered him something to drink and we sat down in the living room. "So, what would you like to talk about?" I asked. He looked up from his cup of tea and said "To be honest sir, I havn't got the faintest idea, I never made it this far..."
I had to stop watching An Inconvenient Truth after 20 minutes.
Can't stand movies with that much gore.
A kid is selling lemonade...
The boy’s sign reads “1 cup for 25¢, 3 cups for $1
A construction worker stops by and asks to buy one cup of lemonade. "25 cents", says the kid.
The construction worker then buys another one, and another one, paying 25 cents each.
As the construction worker walks away, he turns around with a smile, and says: "Hey kid, you realize I just bought three cups for 75¢... Maybe lemonade stands aren’t your thing."
"I guess you're right" says the kid good-naturedly as he sets up the next 3 cups.
For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him.
When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super sex.”
After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”
Two cows are standing in a barn.
Cow 1: Hey, did you hear about the big outbreak of mad cow disease?
Cow 2: Good thing I'm a helicopter.
Never thought a foot doctor would help...
...now I stand corrected.
What does the "F" in Hong Kong stand for ?
Freedom
I asked my Granddaughter to give me the newspaper. She said that newspapers are so out of date, and that people now use tablets, so she handed me her iPad.
That Fly didn't stand a chance.
It's been raining for 3 days without stopping. My wife is in depression, she is standing and looking through the window.
If the rain doesn't stop tomorrow, I'll have to let her in.
Last week, after a one night stand with a woman, she had the gall to get up and use my toothbrush without even asking first. I told her, "That's disgusting!" She replied, "Well, we just had sex, so what's the big difference?"
I answered, "The difference is, I was gonna use the toothbrush again."
I can always tell, just by looking, when someone is lying.
I can also tell when they're standing.
What does a mechanic do during a 1 night stand?
He screws, nuts, and bolts
The Talking Clock
A guy picks up a woman in a bar and they go to his apartment. In the bedroom there's a brass gong and a wooden mallet hanging from a stand and the woman says "What's that for?" The guy says "That's a talking clock. I'll show you how it works." He hits the gong as hard as he can and when the sound dies away a voice from the other side of the wall says "Hey asshole! It's 3:15 in the morning!"
Dangerous trick
Circus. The most popular and dangerous trick, guy put his penis in crocodile's mouth, croc shuts his mouth, the guy hits croc on the head, croc opens up his mouth and guy takes his penis unharmed, everybody applaud!
Than guy asks the audience: if you can do it, I'll pay anybody $1000!!!!
Girl stands up and says: "I'll do it, just don't hit me on the head!!!!"