The pilot gets ready for the flight
"Alright everyone, we will be taking off in a minute, please remain seated.", he says. After taking off, the pilot forgot the microphone on. "Know what I want now?", says the co-pilot, "a cup of coffee and a woman to suck my dick". Noticing the problem with the mic, one of the attendants bolts off to warn them. While she ran, someone on the back seats yells "Don't forget the coffee!"
UK police today arrested a man for shooting a starting pistol at someone.
They are treating the offence as race related.
I dont get it
If someone donates 1 kindey, they're hailed a hero, but I donate 5 and get arrested!?
They say that the 10 types of people in this world are those that can read binary and those that get laid.
Can someone explain to me the other 8 types?
If I had a penny for every time someone called me sexist...
I'd probably be earning more than the average woman.
Always make sure SOMEONE in the relationship has good credit...
That's why it's called SIGNIFICANT other. Sign/if/I/Can't.
I got fired from my job at Planned Parenthood
My boss didn’t like me saying “Takeout or delivery?” whenever someone walked in the door
A person is walking down the street and hears a bunch of people in a fenced-in yard shouting, "19! 19! 19! 19!"
Curious, he walks over and looks through a hole in the fence. Someone from the other side pokes him in the eye and they all start shouting "20! 20! 20!"
A judge in Soviet Russia walks out of a courtroom giggling to himself.
Another judge stops him and asks what's so funny.
"Oh man, I just heard this joke about Comrade Stalin in my courtroom."
"I wan't to hear it" says the second judge.
The first judge says, "No way, I just gave someone 25 years in the gulag for it."
I met someone online who shares my fetish for urinating on dried fruit...
Next week we're going to go on a date
What do you call it when someone gets their whole face tattooed?
An everlasting job stopper.
The argument
So a guy calls the front desk of the hotel he's staying at and says, "I'm in room 858. You need to send someone to my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window."
The front clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that sounds like a personal issue."
And the guy says, "No, it's a maintenance issue. The window won't open."
A PS4 fan and an Xbox One fan started fighting! Someone call the ambulance!
*Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U*
The police came to my house earlier and said my dog has chased someone on a bike.
I said, "You must be joking. My dog hasn't got a bike."
*(Reposted because I completely messed up the punchline in the original post, and have only just realised.)*
Been chatting with this 14 year old girl. Real sexy and flirty. Things are going great, but now she tells me she's an undercover cop.
How fucking cool is that for someone her age.
Im from colombia and if i got a dollar everytime someone asked me if i sell cocaine.
I would not have to sell cocaine anymore.
A scientist is trying to prove that all blonds are stupid
so he holds an all blond convention and randomly picks someone from the crowd. First he asks her what two plus two is. She answers seven, and the crowd yells, "Give her another chance!". So this time he asks her what ten minus four is. She answers thirteen, and the crowd yells, "Give her another chance!". So this time he asks her what is five times five is. She answers twenty-five, and the crowd yells, "Give her another chance!".
If I got a dollar everytime someone called me a racist
Black people would rob me
Someone keeps sending me roses with the heads cut off
I think I'm being stalked
Mark went for a walk in the park.
As he strolled up the path he heard someone shout, "Mark!"
He stopped and turned his head, and heard it again. "Mark!"
There was nobody around except for an old man on a bench with his dog, so he walked closer.
"Mark! Mark!" said the dog, tugging on its leash in the man's hands.
Mark was taken aback. "You.. you know my name?! ..and can ***talk***?"
"Oh?" the man lifted his head. "I'm sorry, she can't pronounce her B's".
Why is the barbarian carrying a skillet?
Wizard: Why is the barbarian carrying a skillet?
Bard: He thinks it's his spellcasting focus.
Wizard: He has spells?
Bard: Just one. Every time he hits someone with it, he shouts "Cast iron!"
Me - “What’s a 3 letter word for compete?”
Dracula - “Vie.”
Me - “It’s for a crossword.”
I saw this on Twitter(@clichedout) and it made me smile so hopefully someone else will get a kick out of it.
A boy says to his dad, "Why do they say gardeners have got green fingers when their fingers aren't green?"
His dad replies, "It's just a saying, son. It's like when someone is caught stealing something, they say that they've been caught red-handed', even though their hands are actually black."
A rope walks into a bar
And sees someone sitting at the bar reposting this joke. The rope hangs the reposter.
If someone has the Last Name "Smith" then that means that one of their ancestors was likely a Blacksmith.
Which kinda puts John Dickinson in an awkward position.