Start jokes

My ex hated when I started dating her twin sister.

Like it's my fault they're conjoined.

A man was filling up gas in his car when he got some on his jacket

Then he went in the car and lit a cigarette and catches his sleeve on fire. The man, freaking out, gets out of the car and sees a policeman sitting nearby. So he starts waving at him and yelling at him for help, and the cop gets up in a hurry and without a second delay shoots him. The man, now on the ground in excruciating pain asks why he shot him the cop says “what was I supposed to do? you were waving a firearm!”

My wife and I were super poor until she started giving massages....

Now we’re making money hand over fist

I was on a bus when this girl offered to blow me for $5...

...and never being a person to pass up a good deal, I gave her $5 and watched her do her thing. After she was finished she lit up a cigarette and started smoking right there on the bus.

I was disgusted. I thought to myself, "What is this world coming to? Who sells cigarettes to a 12 year old?"

Man "I hate the world and everyone in it. I have no patience for it. It's starting to make me sick". Wife: "what do you think about me?"

Man: "oh you mean the world to me, darling".

At the Dentist

Just at the moment when the dentist was leaning over towards his patient to start on her teeth, he was startled. "Excuse Me,Miss, those are my balls that you are holding."

"I Know" She answered sweetly. "So let us be very careful not to hurt each other ... OK?"

When my girlfriend told me that she is pregnant I started crying in despair

I know too well what is it like to grow without a father ...

I bumped into an old school friend today. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car.

Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"

I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."

He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"

I said, "No, she's a fucking optician."

I was having anal sex with my girlfriend. Her father suddenly slammed the door open and started screaming at her. "Dad, I'm sorry!", she said. The father turned to me and, from the top of his lungs, he started screaming: "Are you fucking sorry?"

I'm in so much debt...

I could start a government.

I quit my job to start a cloning business and it's been great,

I love being my own boss.

9 Blondes and 1 Brunette are holding onto the wing of a weighed down rapidly descending aircraft.

They all realize one must let go to save the rest of them.

The plane is about 1000 meters away from crashing, when the brunette starts to say that she will heroicly let go of the wing of the plane to save the 9 others.

She gets a few a tears and cries of “Nooo” but as she finishes, all the Blondes clap.

What do you call a drunk guy trying to start his car?

A lyft. Friends don't let friends drive drunk.

I’ve recently started investing in stocks

I hope this leads to me finally becoming a bouillonaire someday.

An Irish man is pulled from a burning bar..

He is completely covered in soot and smells strongly of smoke. When asked about how the fire started the man says "damned if I know, the place was in blazes when I got 'ere!"

An alcoholic wakes up in jail

He asks the first police officer he sees "why am I here?"

the officer replies "for drinking"

The man replies "great, when do we start?"