Start jokes

What do you call a bunch of hedge funds that already lost $70 B shorting stocks?

A good start. HOLD the LINE.

Two clowns were eating a cannibal

One turns to the other and asks “did I start the joke wrong?”

How can you tell your girlfriend is getting fat?

She starts fitting into your wife’s clothes.

I was given LSD and MDMA tonight

What a shit start to a game of Scrabble!!

I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom. On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore." I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breath....

As he lay in my arms, I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."

I started writing an abortion joke

But it never fully developed

My son was thrown out of school for the third time this year for letting a girl in his class jerk him off

Im starting to think that maybe teaching isn't for him.

I want to start a company that makes both coffins and condoms

The slogan would be:" We've got you covered whether you cuming or going"

My grandfather started walking 5 miles a day when he was 60

Now he's 97 and we have no idea where the hell he is

A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?" The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror!

The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."

My biggest fear, when I first started dating, was meeting the girl's father.

But I mainly dated black girls, so it was never really an issue.

A group of Engineering professors were invited to fly in a plane.

Right after they were comfortably seated, they were informed the plane was built by their students.

All but one got off their seats and headed frantically to the exits in maniacal panic.

The one lone professor that stayed put, calmly in his seat, was asked: “Why did you stay put?”

“I have plenty of confidence in my students. Knowing them, I for a fact can assure you this piece of shit plane will never even start”

What starts with 'p' ends with 'orn' and plays a major role in the film industry?

Popcorn

Daddy, do all fairy tales start with Once upon a time?

No dear, there’s a whole series of fairly tales that start with “If elected, I promise”.

A man at a table in a restaurant suddenly starts to cry. The worried waiter asks, “Why are you crying?”

Man: “My wife said she won’t talk with me for a month.”

Waiter : “That’s terrible.”

Man: “Yes, the month ends today.”

My wife was in labor with our daughter, everything was going well until she started shouting "Shouldn't! Couldn't! Wouldn't! Didn't! Can't!". "Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?" "Nothing, she is just having contractions."

My girlfriend started reading Bill Cosby's biography...

But it put her to sleep.

What's wet on the inside, hairy on the outside... it starts with C, ends with T, and has a U and N in the middle?

A coconut.

It’s finally October, and you know what that means!

Americans might actually start wearing masks.

I recently started learning Morse code, but it's really hurting my sleep schedule

FUCK U TOO RAIN