The Talking Clock
A guy picks up a woman in a bar and they go to his apartment. In the bedroom there's a brass gong and a wooden mallet hanging from a stand and the woman says "What's that for?" The guy says "That's a talking clock. I'll show you how it works." He hits the gong as hard as he can and when the sound dies away a voice from the other side of the wall says "Hey asshole! It's 3:15 in the morning!"
Son: Dad, I have an imaginary girlfriend.
Dad: You know, you could do better.
Son: Thanks Dad, that means a lot.
Dad: I was talking to your girlfriend.
Me: “Mom, meet my girlfriend.”
Mom: “Are you sure about this? You deserve better!”
Me: “But Mom, I love her so much...”
Mom: “I was talking to her...”
I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?" She replied, "Yeah..."
"But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now."
Two morticians meet in a bar...
...and talk about their jobs. The first mortician says to the other: "Today I got a woman who had a clitoris like a pickled cucumber". the other one asks: "What, so big?" "No," says the first, "so salty!"
A German couple has a baby...
For 4 years he makes no sound, does not speak. Then one day the mother gives him soup, he says “This soup is cold.” The parents are amazed and ask “If you can talk, why have you not spoken before?” The child replies “Up to now everything has been satisfactory!”
My mother has a thick Russian accent...
... and as such it makes some of her words and phrases sound odd.
For instance "want" sounds like "vant."
Or take "talk..." it sounds like "tak"
The best example is when she tries to say "I love you" and it comes out sounding like "you're a fucking disappointment."
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night, and she said, “If you lost a few pounds, had a shave, and got your haircut, you’d look alright.” I said, “If I did that, I’d be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”
Its disgusting how often women are subjected to sexism in todays society...
One of my feminist friends managed to get herself a new job recently, and literally the first thing her misogynist pig boss asked her to do was to make him a sandwich! Naturally my friend took a stand and quit on the spot, she's even talking about boycotting the entire company.
Fucking Subway...
NSFW Nearly humped a ladyboy
In Thailand and man it was so close, she looked like a lady, walked like a lady, talked like a lady, kissed like a lady.. It was only when she drove me home and reversed perfectly into my drive 1st time, I thought to myself, "hang on a fuckin minute"!
I bumped into an old school friend today. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car.
Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"
I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."
He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"
I said, "No, she's a fucking optician."
In Tribute
Boy: I'll bet you a dollar my dog can talk
Man: you're on
Boy: how does sandpaper feel?
Dog: Ruff!
Boy: what's on top of a house?
Dog: Roof!
Boy: who's the greatest ballplayer ever?
Dog: Ruth!
Man: come on! I ain't payin' for that, get out of here!
* Boy and dog walk away *
Dog to boy: should I have said Hank Aaron?
How do you talk with a COVID denier
with an Ouija board
Easy way to search your wife.
A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket." "Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" The woman looked puzzled. "Why talk to me?" she asked. "Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere!"
A Jewish Black kid walks up to his dad and asks if he is more Black than Jewish.
"Why son?" The dad asks. "Because there is a kid at school selling his bike for $50 and I was wondering if I should talk him down to $30 or just steal it."
On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me...
“If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."
"Fucking great." I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."