Doctor just told a nun that she is pregnant.
Nun: "Doctor, you can't be serious - I haven't had sex with a man even once in my entire life! I am saving myself for God!"
Doc: "Sorry, but the tests show undoubtedly that you are pregnant..."
Nun leaves the doctor in anger and bursts back into church shouting: "Ok, who in the name of the God HAD CUM ONTO THE CANDLES!!!"
A student got home from school and his mum asked him how the test went.
He said it was easy but one question held him up. The mother asked what the question was. " They asked what the past tense of think was" the boy answered. "So what did you write?" the mother asked.
"I thought and thought and thought until I finally wrote thinked"! The boy replied.
A guy applies for a job with the L.A.P.D.
Inspector says "These are the best qualifications I've ever seen, just one more test before you get the job. Take this gun, go out and shoot six black guys and a rabbit."
Guy replies "Why the rabbit?"
Inspector says "Fantastic attitude, you've got the job!"
I have an IQ of 180
I took the test 3 times and added up my scores
So Boris Johnson has tested positive for COVID-19...
Anyone else concerned with how quickly the virus has jumped from human to politician?
I just passed my drug test
my dealer has some explaining to do
A woman calls 911 and paramedics rush her unconscious husband to the hospital She limps into the ER as the nurses wheel him in on a stretcher,
his enormous erection clearly visible under the sheet. The doctor runs some tests and says to her "Ma'am, it appears your husband overdosed on Viagra and is in a coma. How long has he been like this?"
"About 4 days" she replies
"4 days?! Why did you wait until now to get help?"
"I ran out of lube this morning"
A software tester walks into a bar.
Runs into a bar.
Crawls into a bar.
Dances into a bar.
Flies into a bar.
Jumps into a bar.
And orders:
a beer.
2 beers.
0 beers.
99999999 beers.
a lizard in a beer glass.
\-1 beer.
"qwertyuiop" beers.
Testing complete.
A real customer walks into the bar and asks where the bathroom is.
The bar goes up in flames.
I was surprised to learn my kid failed the road driving test...
...she Tweeted three times that it seem to be going well.
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters
' Z A S T R Z E Z Y N S K I '
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'
My scientist wife decided to test the hypothesis that more sex would improve our marriage. It's already been a week, and I've concluded...
that I'm in the control group.
Me: It's not about how many times you fall, its how many times you get up and try again.
Cop: That's not how this sobriety test works.
Boy: Hey wanna see a movie with me tonight?
Girl: I have a boyfriend.
Boy: and i have a math test tomorrow.
Girl: What does that have to do with anything?
Boy: I thought we were listing things we were going to cheat on.
Movies are too violent
A lot of Critics have been saying that movies now days are way too violent. To test this theory I took a nine year old boy to go see Gladiator, and he cried the whole movie.
Now it may be because he didn't know who I was.
An old man doesn't feel well...
So he and his wife go to the doctors office. When they meet with the doctor he says "We need to do a full workup and run some tests. I'm going to need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample". The old man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and says "eh?". His wife just rolls her eyes and says "Frank, just give him your underwear!"
It's not surprising that the Japanese have adopted so much of American culture.
The first American product they tested blew everyone away.
My girlfriend really wants me to quit my job. She says that it is cruel that we do product testing on animals.
We’ve argued back and forth for months, and it is a very tough decision for me since I don’t have a formal education. Every day I come home from work, she becomes more and more distant. I also just got a 20% raise, and will finally be able to give my future family the life they deserve. Last night she gave me an ultimatum, her or my job.
What should I do? I love my girlfriend, but I also love my job at the hammer factory.