A guy gets a call from his Doctor...
The Doctor says "I have your test results back. I've got bad news and worse news."
The guy says "What's the bad news?"
The Doctor says "You have 24 hours to live."
The guy says "That's terrible! What could be worse than that?"
The Doctor says "I forgot to call you yesterday."
Did you hear that Prince Charles has tested positive for the Coronavirus?
After all these years he's finally been coronated.
A hooker goes to the doctor
She tells the doctor she feels nauseous, after few tests the doctor comes back to tell her that she's pregnant
"Congratulations, so do you know who's the father?"
"If you ate a can of beans, would you know which one caused the fart?"
His visit to the eye doctor.
A man was scheduled to go to an eye exam, so he walks in and gets it done. When the doctor walks into the office, he has a concerned look on his face. “What’s wrong?” the patient asks. “Well, your test results don’t look too good” said the doctor. The patient replied, “well can I see them?” The doctor answered, “probably not.”
A man buys a lie detecting robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it at dinner one night. He asks his son what he did that afternoon. Son: "I did some homework." The robot slaps the son. Son: "Ok, ok. I was at a friend's house watching a movie." Dad: "What movie did you watch?" Son: "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son: "Ok, ok, we were watching porn." Dad: "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father. Mom: "Well, at least this isn't a repost." The robot slaps the mother.
A Covid test nurse asked me if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste.
I told her, "No, I've dressed like this for quite a while."
Why was the Pepsi employee fired?
He tested positive for coke.
I got fired from my job assembling Tickle me Elmos
I misunderstood what they meant when they said I was supposed to give each one “two test tickles”
President Trump has tested positive for COVID-19
Doctors are expecting a swift recovery, citing that the virus is a hoax and fake news.
Poor Stephen Hawking couldn't pass the "I'm not a robot" test.
A woman gives birth to her first child and is laying in bed waiting for some test results to come back.
Eventually after a lengthy wait the doctor arrives and says:
“Ma’am, I have good news and bad news, which would you like first?”
Startled, she exclaims to get the bad news out of the way first.
“Well ma’am, the bad news is that your child is a ginger.”
Relieved that this isn’t as bad as she feared, the woman asks for the good news to which the doctor replied:
“It’s dead.”
US President Donald Trump tested and was not infected by the Corona virus. Experts from the Robert Koch Institute are not surprised.
The virus has been shown to affect lungs, not assholes.
Interviewer: are you smart? Bob: I'm not smart, but I am clever. Interviewer: How so? Bob: in class, I sat next to the dumbest and second dumbest person in class, I'm the third dumbest, but by peeking at their tests, I got the highest score in the class.
Interviewer: how's that possible? Bob: by process of elimination. None of our answers could be correct.
I realised at the last minute that i forgot my protective goggles at the nuclear test facility this morning. My line manager saved my vision and shielded me from the intense light!
He's my super visor
A man goes to the Optician for his eye test.
The Optician asked him what he can see. "I see empty airports, empty football grounds, closed theaters and closed pubs." That's perfect says the Optician, you've got 2020 vision!
A frog took a DNA test
The results said he was 20% British, 30% French and a tad Pole.
After 10years a wife started to think their child looks kinda strange so she did a DNA test and found out the child is not theirs, she told her husband what she found out.
The husband replied, you don't remember do you? When we were leaving the hospital the baby pooped and you told me to go and change him so I went inside got a clean one and left the dirty one there.
Head of Company: "We need to stop testing our products on animals." Consultant: "Why? The shampoo companies do it." Head of Company: "Yeah, but we make dildos."
I got my covid test results and I'm so confused.. it was just the number 83...
On the plus side my IQ test came back positive
So I was asked the past tense of 'think' in a English test today
I thought and thought and thought and finally wrote 'thunk'.
Doctor just told a nun that she is pregnant.
Nun: "Doctor, you can't be serious - I haven't had sex with a man even once in my entire life! I am saving myself for God!"
Doc: "Sorry, but the tests show undoubtedly that you are pregnant..."
Nun leaves the doctor in anger and bursts back into church shouting: "Ok, who in the name of the God HAD CUM ONTO THE CANDLES!!!"
A student got home from school and his mum asked him how the test went.
He said it was easy but one question held him up. The mother asked what the question was. " They asked what the past tense of think was" the boy answered. "So what did you write?" the mother asked.
"I thought and thought and thought until I finally wrote thinked"! The boy replied.
A guy applies for a job with the L.A.P.D.
Inspector says "These are the best qualifications I've ever seen, just one more test before you get the job. Take this gun, go out and shoot six black guys and a rabbit."
Guy replies "Why the rabbit?"
Inspector says "Fantastic attitude, you've got the job!"
I have an IQ of 180
I took the test 3 times and added up my scores
So Boris Johnson has tested positive for COVID-19...
Anyone else concerned with how quickly the virus has jumped from human to politician?