There jokes

I’ve just been told I have xenophobia.

I bet I caught it off some damn foreigner.

Just been on a diabetes awareness website....

It asked me if i accept cookies.

Is that a trick question?

What does a mechanic do during a 1 night stand?

He screws, nuts, and bolts

Sent to Jail.

After getting sent to jail, I spent the next hour being held face down over a table and getting violently fucked up the arse.

Sometimes I think my uncle Brian takes Monopoly a bit too seriously...

How many people does it take to change a light bulb?

One, me, I'm the only fucker that seems to do anything round here

The Guy who stole my diary died

Now my thoughts are with his family

What do you get when you spell the word "man" backwards

Flashbacks

in for a penny, in for a pound

A farmer is in the outhouse, and when he pulls up his pants, a quarter rolls out of his pocket and falls down the hole. He swears and pulls out his wallet and throws down a $5 bill. Later as he's telling his wife about the ordeal, she asks, “Wait, why’d you throw in the $5 bill?” He replied, “Well I wasn't about to go down there for a quarter!”

I went to a pharmacy and asked for 50 condoms..

I was about to pay for it when I heard 2 girls laughing at me.

I looked at them straight in the eye and said, "Make that 52."

Now both of them have condom balloons :D

What do you call a Dothraki mathematician?

Khal Culator

A Texan, a Russian and a New Yorker go to a restaurant in London

The waiter tells them, "Excuse me -- if you were going to order the steak, I'm afraid there's a shortage due to the mad cow disease." The Texan says, "What's a shortage?" The Russian says, "What's a steak?" The New Yorker says, "What's 'excuse me'?"

Video game are cool because they let you experience fantasies.

For example, in the Sims, you have a job and a house

At a wedding in Glasgow I whispered to a guy next to me, "Isn't the bride a right ugly dog" "Do you mind. That's my daughter you're talking about" "I'm sorry, I didn't know you were her father''...

'I'm her fucking mother' came the reply

A McDonald's grill operator starts kicking off about being underpaid.

He begins to beat the shit out of the other staff. The police arrive and he kicks their ass. The FBI turn up and he whips their butt too. The CIA, the military, even the U.S. Navy SEALs can't stop the guy.

The manager thinks for a moment, then pushes another grill operator into the fray who swiftly takes out the angry cook!

Everyone looks at the manager, who just shrugs and says, "guess you've just gotta fight fryer with fryer".

My friend Ted wants me to be a nice person and quit drugs

But I'm a dick, Ted

Two communists are sitting together at a nudist colony.

One turns to the other and asks “Have you read Marx?” The second replies “yes, it’s these damn wicker chairs!”

Breasts are like beer...

Men may state a preference, but we'll take whatever's on tap.

"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!" "I know all that." "Then, why did you invite a friend for supper?"

"Because the poor guy is thinking about getting married."

Why does MLK only get one day, while sharks get an entire week?

I guess it's because they're great whites...

I remember when porn genres were tame, none of that freak nasty stuff like furries, ugly bastards, vore, and other weird fetishes.

Seriously, what is the world cumming to?