There jokes

I was real upset when I lost my nonbinary friend at the store

But I felt better when someone told me "They're there"

Girls call me Mr. Microsoft

because I have a 3.5 inch floppy

Recently, i’ve tried to make a car without wheels.

I’ve been working on it tirelessly.

So I bought a memory foam pillow second-hand

Got it for a good price, all was good until I laid down and it said "who the f@#k are you?"

I used to think the brain was the most important organ.

And then I thought, look what's telling me that.

How does Sean Connery shave?

Ctrl-Esh.

Breaking News: Cheese factory explosion!

De Brie everywhere.

How do you drown a hipster?

Throw them in the mainstream

I have always thought that the second letter in the word “Hive” is quite beautiful, after all .....

Beauty is in the I of the bee holder.

Why did the blind fly starve to death??

Because he couldn't see shit

The bartender told him, "We don't serve time travellers here!"

A time traveller walked into a bar,

What kind of plant is the scariest?

bamBOO

You're living. You have mass. You occupy space. Do you know what that means?

You matter.

Relativity theory

In classical (Newtonian) physics, we can't solve the three-body problem. In the theory of relativity, we can't solve the two-body problem. In quantum mechanics, we can't solve the one-body problem, and with quantum electro dynamics, we don't even understand the vacuum anymore.

A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of a coughing syrup

Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks: “Well? Are you still coughing?”

The patient replies: “No. I’m afraid to.”

Yo mama's so fat

She

What is Donald Trump's favorite nation?

Discrimination

A six year old boy goes to work with his father on a bring your kid to work day.

After about 30 minutes of arriving the kid starts crying loudly, the whole office gathers around.

The father asks his kid “what’s the matter son?”

The kid replies “where are all the clowns that you say you work with?”

So the cops caught me doing doughnuts in my car today.

I know what you're thinking. Who the hell names their dog doughnuts

My friend always tells everyone that he's a private investigator,

but within our group of friends we know he's just a gynecologist.