There jokes

What kind of plant is the scariest?

bamBOO

You're living. You have mass. You occupy space. Do you know what that means?

You matter.

Relativity theory

In classical (Newtonian) physics, we can't solve the three-body problem. In the theory of relativity, we can't solve the two-body problem. In quantum mechanics, we can't solve the one-body problem, and with quantum electro dynamics, we don't even understand the vacuum anymore.

A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of a coughing syrup

Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks: “Well? Are you still coughing?”

The patient replies: “No. I’m afraid to.”

Yo mama's so fat

She

What is Donald Trump's favorite nation?

Discrimination

A six year old boy goes to work with his father on a bring your kid to work day.

After about 30 minutes of arriving the kid starts crying loudly, the whole office gathers around.

The father asks his kid “what’s the matter son?”

The kid replies “where are all the clowns that you say you work with?”

So the cops caught me doing doughnuts in my car today.

I know what you're thinking. Who the hell names their dog doughnuts

My friend always tells everyone that he's a private investigator,

but within our group of friends we know he's just a gynecologist.

What do you call friends that you go out to eat with?

Taste buds.

A mugger

Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money," he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this, I'm a United States Congressman!" "In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."

What state has the smallest soft drinks?

Minisoda

My grandad just passed away...

We were really close and he was always competitive with me. No matter what game we played, tennis, cards, or even Xbox he would always try to win.

So it was only fitting that, and I’ll never forget this, on his death bed, as he breathed his last breath. He looked at me in the eyes and said...

"Staring contest... GO."

How do you spot a blind guy at a nudist colony?

It's not hard.

The wife told me the cat had to be chipped.

I only have a nine iron but i still got it over the shed

You’re in a room with a hundred dicks. How many do you choke on?

“None.”

“Wow, you’re that good?”

Steve Irwin died as he lived.

With animals in his heart.

What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination?

HAAAAND EEEEEEEEEYYYYEEE!

Record low temperatures causing snow and freezing all over the southern United States.

Finally: white people in Texas are having problems with ICE.

What's the difference between a little kid and a lesbian?

A little kid shouldn't run with scissors and a lesbian shouldn't scissor with the runs