There jokes

When I was a kid...

... our family was very poor. I remember when my dad was cutting onion and our whole family was crying. Poor onion. He was such a good dog.

I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday.

That takes the number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.

What does an old woman have between her boobs that a young woman does not?

A bellybutton

A farmer shoves his hand up his cows rear end...

And rubs the poop on his chapped lips

His son asks “does that help your chapped lips?”

The farmer replied “no, but it stops me from licking them.”

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it...

...then my illegal logging business is a success.

If I am so dumb then...

How come I can complete a jigsaw puzzle in 6 weeks when the box says 3-6 years.

A frog goes into McDonald's and orderes a cheeseburger

The cashier looks at the frog and asks him: would you like flies with that sir?

Jehova

This morning someone was ringing the doorbell, so I opened the door and there was a young man standing there. "Hello sir" he said, "I'm a Jehova's Witness". I invited him in, offered him something to drink and we sat down in the living room. "So, what would you like to talk about?" I asked. He looked up from his cup of tea and said "To be honest sir, I havn't got the faintest idea, I never made it this far..."

What is the difference between erotic and kinky?

Using a feather is erotic. Using the entire bird is kinky

3 guys bet on who can make their wife scream more from sex

They make the bet and decide to all go home and have sex with their wives and compare results the next day.

Next day comes along and they meet to discuss. Guy #1 says “I fucked my wife so hard, she was screaming for like 20 minutes.”

Guy #2 says “that’s nothing. I fucked my wife with a dildo in her ass at the same time and she was screaming for an hour!”

Guy #3 says “amateurs! I fucked my wife for 15 seconds, came on the curtains, and she’s still screaming at me!”

There is now a bipartisan push to legalize medical marijuana to relieve arthiritis.

In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support.

Bill Cosby is going to have a new show

Women Say the Darndest Things

Oh my goodness. First my wife is in hospital, and now my daughter!

Then again...

I guess that's just how childbirth works.

My dad's a magician

Bob: What does your father do for a living?

Joe: He’s a magician. He performs tricks, like sawing people in half.

Bob: Do you have any brothers or sisters?

Joe: Yep, four half-sisters and a half-brother.

Professor X: what's your super power?

Me: hindsight

Professor X: that's not going to help us

Me: yes I see that now

Girls, if your man starts acting weird while sexting;

Send him a picture of a naked grandma, then send him a picture of your boobs. He just needs turning off and back on again.

What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

*gagging noises*

I'm rather ashamed to say I haven't cleaned my mirror in years.

It reflects badly on me.

What did Barack Obama write inside his Valentines card?

"I'm glad I've got you Michelle; I didn't want to be Obamaself"

I call my wife Bambi. She thinks it's because she is so cute, with big brown eyes.

Actually, it's because I would like someone to shoot her mother, with a hunting rifle.