Fight

Oxygen tried to pick a fight with Helium

Helium didn't react at all, he simply rose above, Carbon was watching the whole thing and said, "That's very noble of you"

Don’t challenge death to a pillow fight unless...

you can handle the reaper cushions.

What's the number one rule of Vegan Fight Club?

Tell everybody

An Irishman walks into a bar full of Englishmen. Looks around, and then says: "Right, this looks like a fair fight."

A PS4 fan and an Xbox One fan started fighting! Someone call the ambulance!

*Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U*

How do you break up two blind guys fighting?

Yell, "My money's on the guy with the knife!"

Rorschach

Who is this Rorschach guy and why does he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?

A husky, a pitbull, and a chihuahua are all fighting over a poodle.

Poodle says: "I'll only choose the mate who can use the words 'Liver' and 'Cheese' in one sentence..."

Husky: "Well that's easy, I love liver and I love cheese!"

Poodle: "That's not gonna work"

Pitbull: "I hate liver and I hate cheese!"

Poodle: "...No"

Chihuahua: "LIVER ALONE, CHEESE MINE!"

A marine comes back from vietnam after fighting for a year.

He is sent to the pentagon. The pentagon asks him: Do you want to get anything for your sacrifices?

The marine says: I want a dollar for every inch from the tip of my penis to my balls.

The pentagos says: You sure you don't want something else?

The marine says: No sir.

One of the generals takes a ruler and starts to measure. But he does not find the balls.

General:Where are your balls marine?

Marine: In vietnam

A man hurriedly walks into a bar

Man (trying to catch his breath): bartender, give me a scotch neat before I get into a fight

BT: here you go

Man (gulping all in at once): one more before I get into a fight

BT: here

Man: again, before I get into a fight

BT: here, but out of curiosity, who are you fighting

Man (finishing his drink): most likely you, because I got no money.

My little brother is extremely proud of this joke. What do you call a reptile who anyways starts fights?

An Insti-Gator

Two guys stumble out of a bar on night to fight.

The first man draws a line in the dirt and says " if you cross this line i'll punch you"

That was the punch line.

I just got into a BIG FIGHT

With 1,3,5,7 and 9.

The odds were against me

What do you call two homeless people hitting eachother with cardboard?

A pillow fight.

A Finnish joke from the Cold War

During the Cold War, a foreign journalist asked a Finnish general what Finland would do if the USSR and NATO would fight a war in Finland.

He replied “first we would beat out NATO, and then the Soviets”.

The journalist was surprised about the order and asked why.

“We are civilized people. Work comes before pleasure”, the general replied.

Why can't contractors shoot each other with sealant?

Because caulk fighting is illegal.

Never fight someone who recently smoked weed.

They tend to have the high ground.

Today, I saw 2 blind people fighting

Then I shouted: "I'm supporting the one with the knife", they both ran away.

I farted in a room of hipsters

I watched them fight each other over who heard it first.

What do you call a fight between a Mexican and a priest?

Alien vs predator

My grandad always used to say to me that the best part of fighting is the make-up sex.

Which would probably explain his short lived career as a boxer.

How do you stop a fight between 2 blind people?

You scream: “I bet 10 dollars on the guy with the knife!”

A McDonald's grill operator starts kicking off about being underpaid.

He begins to beat the shit out of the other staff. The police arrive and he kicks their ass. The FBI turn up and he whips their butt too. The CIA, the military, even the U.S. Navy SEALs can't stop the guy.

The manager thinks for a moment, then pushes another grill operator into the fray who swiftly takes out the angry cook!

Everyone looks at the manager, who just shrugs and says, "guess you've just gotta fight fryer with fryer".

What does violent diarrhoea and a bar fight have in common?

Blood on your stool

I witnessed my shoelaces fight today...

It was a tie...