There jokes

What is the most common use for pig skins?

To keep the pig in one piece.

I was invited to a party and was told "dress to kill"

Apparently a turban, beard, and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind

So there I was, staring at Medusa's boobs when she said "HEY! My eyes are up here buddy!"...

But I was already rock hard

Success is like giving birth...

everyone congratulates you in the end but nobody knows how many times you got fucked in order to get there.

Called an old school friend, asked what was he doing nowadays...

He replied that he is working on "aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminium, and steel under a constrained environment"

As always, I was impressed...

On further enquiring I learnt that he was washing dishes with hot water under his wife's supervision.

Chuck Norris caught the coronavirus

but later decided to let it go.

A mother asked her son to lose their cat somewhere in the jungle.

The boy obeyed. The boy returned home and reported to his mom.

Son: Mom! I led the cat far into the jungle. I even got lost!!

Mother: How were you able to come back home?

Son: I followed the cat.

Online classified ad

Premature ejaculator in need of smoking hot size 6 blonde.

Preferably with blue eyes and huge double d....

Nevermind.

What do you call a quadriplegic laying on the floor?

Matt.

I met a lovely lady last night.

Although she was 57 she was very sexy and funny, she asked me if I fancied a Mother-Daughter threesome? I jumped at the chance,so we went back to her place, she took out her door keys and opened the door, turned on the light.

And shouts out, "Mum are you still awake."

Why did the capacitor kiss the diode?

He just couldn’t resistor.

If a man opens the car door for his wife

You can be sure of one thing — either the car is new or the wife is.

I left two Justin Beiber tickets in my car and

some bastard broke in and left two more.

What do me and Rudy Giuliani have in common?

Neither of us are allowed to practice law in New York.

Cant work for my boss anymore

Me: I cant work for my boss anymore after what he told me yesterday.

Friend: What did he say?

Me: " You're fired "

Last year, kids were eating tide pods. This year, they're getting vaccines and picking up trash.

Seems that eating tide pods makes you smart!

My neighbour's 4-year-old has been learning Spanish since lockdown.

He still can't say "please" though, which I think is poor for four.

The swordfish doesn't have any natural predators to fear of ...

... except for the penfish, which is thought to be even mightier.

What is the difference between Hitler and Seabiscuit?

Seabiscuit could finish a race.

A man goes into a job interview, and presents himself well.

The employer is shocked at how professional he is, "Wow, you have an incredible resume, and present yourself fantastically, but you seem to be missing 5 years on this part of your resume. What happened there?"

The man replied "Oh that's when I went to Yale."

The employer is even more impressed. "That's great, you're hired!"

The man is super happy and says "Yay, I got a yob!"