There jokes

A German tourist comes to France

...a border control asks him

"Occupation?"

German: No just visiting.

I told my psychiatrist that I’ve been hearing voices.

He told me that I don’t have a psychiatrist.

My dad bought himself a new hearing aid.

"It's state of the art," he boasted. "Cost me a fortune."

"Awesome," I replied. "What kind is it?"

"Two-thirty."

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are captured by a witch

The witch tells them, "If you say something about yourself that is true, I will let you go, if not, you will vanish into thin air"

The brunette says, "I think I'm the prettiest" *Poof!* the brunette disappears.

The redhead says, "I think I'm the smartest" *Poof!* the redhead disappears.

The blonde says, "I think..." *Poof!*

Mafia have boiled a man to death in a industrial pasta cooker.

Police are still trying to al dentefy the victim.

What's the difference between Notre Dame and Lucky Charms cereal?

One of them belongs in a bowl.

Officer 1: This murder seems racially motivated.

Officer 2: Hate crime?

Officer 1: Of course I hate crime, idiot. That’s why I became a cop.

Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton and Jeb Bush jump of a bridge. They do a race who hits the ground first. Who wins?

Society

What did I see while on vacation in the Middle-East?

I Saudi Arabian Desert.

What’s the difference between how daredevils and porn actresses become famous?

Daredevils get famous because of their cunning stunts.

(I thought that one up myself)

I got a hand job yesterday

I'm now officially a sign language interpreter

Roses are red, cellos are brown

Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down

Thanos’ finger snap would have a way greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared

Apparently only DC movies can do that

People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Madrid.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision

one tectonic plated bumped into another...

"Sorry my fault"

I had a goal to lose 20 Pounds by the end of the year.

30 pounds to go

The Parrot Says ...

A black guy walks into a bar with a magnificent looking parrot perched on his shoulder. The bartender says "Hey, that's awesome, where'd ya' get that thing?" And the parrot says: "Africa."

Three drunks get into a taxi and tell the driver where to go. The driver has an idea of the address so he starts the engine, waits a few seconds and turns off the car. He says, "Alright guys we're here!"

The first drunk tips him £10 and gets out.

The second drunk tips him £20 and gets out.

The third drunk then slaps the driver across the face.

Worried that the drunk had realized the car hadn't moved an inch, he asks the drunk, "What was that for?"

The drunk says, "Control your speed next time. You almost killed us!"

A thief stole a toilet from the police station.

At this point they have nothing to go on.

Where does He-Man keep his towel?

BY THE SHOWER OF GREYSKULL!!!

I wrote this joke today. Feel free to steal it.