There jokes

Someone broke into my house and stole 20% of my couch.

Who the fuck does that.

How do you get a Mormon to stop drinking all your booze?

Invite two of them!!

Buck was selling his car and and girl name Kelly was interested in buying it. He said it’s $4,000. She thought a minute and said, “How about $3000 and a blow job?” He said that sounds great . . .

He was happy he got the Kelly Blew Buck price.

Best Computer Science Joke!

A man and woman are in a computer programming lecture. The man touches the woman's breasts. "Hey!" she says. "Those are private!" The man says, "But we're in the same class!"

Boxers or Briefs, Mr. President?

In 1992 while being interviewed by MTV, Bill Clinton was asked if he wore boxers or briefs? Clinton replied, "Boxers"

In 2008 US magazine asked Obama, "Boxers or briefs"? Obama declined to answer the question.

Last week AARP asked Joe Biden, "Boxers or briefs"? Biden responded, "Depends".

I find abortion to be a difficult topic.

On one hand, i am for killing babies. But on the other hand, i don't want to give woman any more rights.

There was a papa mole, a momma mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse. Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell sausage!" Momma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell pancakes!" Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. Baby mole said, "The only thing I smell is molasses." -

You wanna know why I got kicked out of the library?

I moved all of the women's rights books to the fiction section.

They say when you shave it grows back thicker.

Can't wait to see my new cock.

If Jesus was on a penny they would call it a JC Penny

I get sad every time I look in a mirror

What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.

How do redneck aliens abduct people?

Tractor beam

A cute girl at work said she'd only go on a date with me on a day that doesn't end in 'Y'

I said "Great! I'll pick you up tomorrow!"

99 bugs in the code, 99 bugs in the code. You take one down, patch it around...

129 bugs in the code.

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers

The first boy says, “My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.”

The second boy says, “That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.”

The third boy says, “I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!”

What do you call a cow...

...w/ no legs? Ground beef.

...w/ 1 leg? Stake.

...w/ 2 legs? Lean beef.

...w/ 3 legs? Tri-tip.

...w/ 4 legs? A cow, you dummy.

...w/ 4 legs in the air? High stakes.

...w/ 5 legs? Chernobull.

...w/ no hind legs? An udder drag.

...w/ a twitch? Beef jerky.

I could keep going but I've milked this joke dry

Little Johnny, the magician's son

"What's your father's occupation?" asked the schoolteacher.

"He's a magician, ma'am," said Little Johnny.

"How interesting. What's his favorite trick?" asked the teacher.

"He saws people in half," answered Little Johnny.

"Wow! That must be amazing to watch," said the teacher. "Do you have any brothers or sisters?"

And Little Johnny said, "One half brother and two half sisters."

Larry at the police station

Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Larry asked,"Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "

My son is a boy trapped in a womans body

He's coming out in 6 months

Where is the best place to hide after killing someone?

Behind a badge..