There jokes

Why did x and y break up?

They couldn't function together.

Two fish are in a tank, one looks at the other and says,

How do you drive this thing?

I asked my cellmate how long he's in for.

He said, "Until I ejaculate."

Do you think the guy who invented the vibrator heard voices saying . . .

"If you build it, they will come."

The NRA asked what Jesus's favorite gun would be, and I said "a nail gun."

I don't know why they got so offended. Jesus was a carpenter.

We can't let Germany get knocked out of the world cup...

Last time it happened was in 1938 and to say they took it badly is a bit of an understatement.

I've already heard like seven cancer jokes today...

If I hear tumor, it's gonna benign.

I spent £96 on eBay today to buy a cheese grater once owned by Hitler and Saddam Hussein.

It was the grater of two evils.

I had my leg x-rayed today.

The doctor told me "your patella measures 2.54 cm"

By surprise I said "Inch high knees?"

The doctor replied "披萨卷披萨卷2.54披萨卷"

Giving birth is terrible for a cow's hips...

...but it's great for their calves.

An obnoxious drunk stumbles into the front door of a bar and orders a drink, the bartender says, "No way, buddy, you're too drunk."

A few minutes later, the drunk comes in though the bathroom.

Again he slurs, "Give me a drink," and the bartender says, "No, man, I told you last time, you're too drunk"

Five minutes later the guy comes in though the back door and orders a drink, again the bartender says, "You're too drunk"

The drunk scratches his head and says "Dang, I must be. The last two places said the same thing."

What did the communist use before they used candles?

electricity.

When I was 16 my bestfriend got super mad at me once and wouldnt talk to me for nearly 4 months for smelling his sisters underwear.

Idk if it was because she was still wearing them or that there was a lot of people around us, but either way, it made the rest of the funeral super awkward

Jeff Bezos is informed about the passing away of a warehouse worker on a Sunday after working continuously for 12 hours leaving behind a wife and 2 young kids

“Let’s make sure his hard work and sacrifice are not wasted....”

Jeff Bezos orders his subordinates

“Find someone who can finish the remaining 2 hours of his shift”

What does violent diarrhoea and a bar fight have in common?

Blood on your stool

I have an EpiPen.

My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.

I was digging in the back garden...

.. Whan I came across a horde of viking coins, I was so excited I almost ran in to tell my wife,

Until I remembered why I was digging.

How do flat earthers travel the world?

on a plane.

A 3 years old boy sits near a pregnant woman.

Boy: Why do you look so fat? Pregnant woman: I have a baby inside me. Boy: Is it a good baby? Pregnant woman: Yes, it is a very good baby. Boy: Then why did you eat it?!

My life used to be a joke

But then I became a dad. So now it's a dad joke

(I just came up with this, so either it's terrible, or not original. Likely both.)