A software tester walks into a bar.
Runs into a bar.
Crawls into a bar.
Dances into a bar.
Flies into a bar.
Jumps into a bar.
And orders:
a beer.
2 beers.
0 beers.
99999999 beers.
a lizard in a beer glass.
\-1 beer.
"qwertyuiop" beers.
Testing complete.
A real customer walks into the bar and asks where the bathroom is.
The bar goes up in flames.
I went to a child psychologist once.
He was rubbish. He was only seven.
Did you hear about the atheist mom who drowned her six kids?
She said no one told her to do it.
So everyone knows why 6 is afraid of 7. Can you answer this, How did 10 die?
It was trapped in the middle of 9-11
I saw a guy today with soot all over his face carrying a large pick axe and wearing a royal blue hardhat that matched his overalls.
But these are just miner details.
What does a 9 volt battery have in common with a girl's butt hole?
You know you shouldn't, but sooner or later you're gonna give it a lick.
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight...
There would be mass confusion
Do you know why donuts have a hole in them?
Because the baker made them with love. ^^^^^also ^^^^^why ^^^^^they're ^^^^^glazed
Sex is like a poorly explained joke.
I don't get it.
I dropped my swear jar
About a hundred motherfuckers escaped.
As we were walking down the driveway with the cans, I asked my son, "Did you know there’s no official training for garbage men?" Rolling his eyes, he responded, "No, no I didn't." I continued...
"Seriously, they just pick it up as they go along!"
I broke all my fingers on one hand..
On the other hand, I'm fine.
As a gentleman, I asked my date if I could push in her stool...
She said “let’s see how the date goes first”
I'm going to name my son Awesome...
...so whenever he sleeps with someone, they are fucking Awesome.
How many ants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A light bulb weighs about 50g and a single ant can lift about .2g, so it takes somewhere around 250 ants working together.
“Fucking kids are expensive”, I said
“Is”, my lawyer replied.
My friend was just crushed by a bunch of books!
I guess he only has his shelf to blame
I was surprised to learn my kid failed the road driving test...
...she Tweeted three times that it seem to be going well.
What is the difference between a man and a dog?
A man wears a suit and the dog, pants.
What do you call an economist that likes to eat?
An economnomnomist