There jokes

A man walks into his house with a duck under his arm

Says, "This is the pig I've been fucking"

His wife says, "That's a duck"

He quickly replies, "I wasn't talking to you..."

A naked man broke into a church. The police chased him around and finally

caught him by the organ.

News just in of a honeymooner killed in a shark attack off the Perth Coast. The man had been married very recently. A police spokesman said

Fortunately the man did not suffer too much as he had only been married 5 days

What do you call a hooker's fart? ...

... A Prosti- Toot!

My grandad always used to say to me that the best part of fighting is the make-up sex.

Which would probably explain his short lived career as a boxer.

I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent.

So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?” One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales, dumbo!” So I corrected myself, “Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?” That’s about as far as I remember

If “#” is often read as “pound,”

then perhaps we should rethink the title of the #metoo movement.

Cop: are you high?

Me: am I what? Cop: high Me: hello

Barack Obama goes to a costume party while giving his wife a piggyback ride. Someone asks him what he’s dressed up as and he responds “I’m a snail!”

That’s M’Shell on my back

I’ve always had bad luck with women.

My first wife died and now my second wife won’t.

A politician visited a village in India

A politician visited an Indian village and asked what their needs were. ”We have 2 basic needs sir,” replied the villager. “Firstly, we have a hospital, but there’s no doctor.”

On hearing this, the politician whipped out his cellphone, and after speaking for a while he reassured the village leader that the doctor would be there the next day. He then asked about the second problem.

“Secondly sir, there is no cellphone coverage anywhere in the village.”

A software tester walks into a bar.

Runs into a bar.

Crawls into a bar.

Dances into a bar.

Flies into a bar.

Jumps into a bar.

And orders:

a beer.

2 beers.

0 beers.

99999999 beers.

a lizard in a beer glass.

\-1 beer.

"qwertyuiop" beers.

Testing complete.

A real customer walks into the bar and asks where the bathroom is.

The bar goes up in flames.

I went to a child psychologist once.

He was rubbish. He was only seven.

Did you hear about the atheist mom who drowned her six kids?

She said no one told her to do it.

So everyone knows why 6 is afraid of 7. Can you answer this, How did 10 die?

It was trapped in the middle of 9-11

I saw a guy today with soot all over his face carrying a large pick axe and wearing a royal blue hardhat that matched his overalls.

But these are just miner details.

What does a 9 volt battery have in common with a girl's butt hole?

You know you shouldn't, but sooner or later you're gonna give it a lick.

Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight...

There would be mass confusion

Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?"

"Yes," replies the little girl.

"Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.

The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"

The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!"

"Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the d*ck goes under the horse, not on top of it!"

Do you know why donuts have a hole in them?

Because the baker made them with love. ^^^^^also ^^^^^why ^^^^^they're ^^^^^glazed