There jokes

My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. "She obviously has COVID," my wife said. "Why?" I asked.

My wife replied with a sneer, "Because she has no taste."

I wanted to change my name to Dragon Ball Z...

My friend said, "Wow, that's a lot of papers you have to fill out!" I said "Yeah, this isn't even my final form!"

Operation successful

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting a complicated surgery on him and.....

he insisted that his son-in-law, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anaesthesia, he spoke to his son-in-law.

'Yes, Dad, what is it?'

'Don't be nervous son; do your best and just remember, if something happens to me.........

........your mother in law will come and live with you.'

The surgery was a great success....

Panties are not the best thing in the world

But they're close to it

My teachers told me I'd never amount to much because I procrastinate so much.

I told them, "Just you wait!"

When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.

This phenomenon is known as many paws

a welsh man was asked if he would have sex with a sheep for 1000$

the welsh man said "sure but under three conditions."

first, the sheep shouldn't have any diseases obviously

secondly, I don't want anyone i know to hear about this

and finally, give me a week to gather the 1000 dollars for you

How do Japanese Chihuahuas say 'Hello'?

Konichihuahua

I got kicked out of the hospital!

Apparently the sign “STROKE PATIENTS HERE” meant something completely different.

Two boys sitting to pee

Two five year old boys are sitting at the potty to pee.

When one says, " Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!"

" I've been circumcised." Says the second boy.

" What does that mean?"

"It means they cut the protective skin skin off the end."

" How old were you when it was cut off?"

" My mom said that I was two days old."

" Did it hurt?"

" You bet it hurt, I couldn't walk for a whole year!"

What do you call a person that takes care of chickens?

A Chicken Tender.

Even though I've gone bald, I still keep my comb.

I just can't part with it.

I was at a job interview today...

When the manager handed me a laptop and said,

“I want you to sell this to me.”

So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home.

Eventually he called me and said, “Bring my laptop back now.”

I said, “£200 and it’s yours.”

Why did Joseph have to sweep the stable floor?

Because there was no Roomba at the inn.

The government offered to buy back all my guns

I turned them down

I don't feel right selling fire arms to organized crime.

Why don't Italians do bondage?

Because they can't say the safeword while they're wearing handcuffs.

So Einstein finally finished that theory of his about space

It's about time too

Why didn't the polite coder get hired?

The job required SASS

What do you call an actor that has just paid off his house?

Mortgage Freeman

“I love you loads, honey pie.” My wife said earlier.

“And I love you tons.” I replied.

“What, no nickname for me?” She asked, disappointed.

Sometimes I swear the fat cow’s going deaf.