There jokes

What do you call an Army Commander who is covered in pepper?

A seasoned veteran

I remember when I was a kid, I could go to the store with $1 and come home with 3 bags of chips, 2 candy bars, 6 packs of now or laters, and an ice cold drink.

Nowadays, they got cameras everywhere.

Nephew asks how babies are made

My young nephew Harry asked me how babies are made. I had no idea how to approach it so I looked online and found a video that explains it all. At the end of the video I told him "It's basically just like that, only the white goo on her face should have gone up her pussy and normally there isn't a horse involved".

My wife just left me because I have a fetish for touching pasta.

I'm feeling cannelloni right now.

A horse walks into a bar.

“Hey," says the bartender.

The horse neighs excitedly and says, “My friend, you read my mind!"

Two elves walk into a bar

The dwarf laughs and walks under it

I can't believe I was arrested for impersonating a politician.

I was just sat there doing nothing.

Two countries go to war...

Ones president is a comedian, and the other is a joke.

A lady came in for a routine physical at the doctor’s office.

“Here”, said the nurse, handing her a urine specimen container. “The bathroom is over there on your right. The doctor will be with you in a few minutes.” A few minutes later the lady came out of the bathroom with an empty container and a relieved look on her face. “Thanks! But they had a toilet in there, so I didn’t need this after all!”

Did I ever tell you about the worst blowjob I’ve ever got?

It was great

Me: It's not about how many times you fall, its how many times you get up and try again.

Cop: That's not how this sobriety test works.

I just read somewhere that capitalization is the difference between "I helped my uncle Jack off a horse" and "i helped my uncle jack off a horse".

Well that's embarrassing. Now everyone thinks my uncle's name is Jack.

They say a woman's work is never done

maybe that's why they get paid less.

Two homeless guys were sitting with a sign pointing to one of the guys that reads, "I bet you $2 you can't hit John with a quarter".

A man flicked a quarter at him, and hit him. When the man asked for his $2 for hitting him the homeless guy replied, "you didn't hit john. This here is David".

Three men book into a busy ski lodge

So they have to share a bed. Man on the right wakes up and says, "I had this vivid dream of getting a hand job." Man on the left wakes and says, "I had the same dream." Man in the middle wakes and says, "That's funny. I dreamt I was skiing!"

My lesbian neighbors asked me what I wanted for my birthday. They gave me a Rolex.

I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.

What's the difference between North Korea and Ubisoft?

North Korea didn't fuck up as many launches as Ubisoft

*NSFW-ish* Two nuns

Two nun's are crossing the road when a vampire jumps out. Nun 1 turns to Nun 2 and says "Quick, show him your cross" Nun 2 turns to the Vampire and says "Oi, Fuck off!"

I witnessed my shoelaces fight today...

It was a tie...

Swinger

I like to tell people my wife was a bit of a swinger back in the day.

Sounds so much better than saying she hung herself.