There jokes

Why is C the only good letter in the English alphabet?

Because the others are Not-Cs

I think it's funny when dogs hide under the bed when they're scared.

I'm like "You idiot, that's the first place monsters go!"

During a dinner party, the hosts’ two little children enter the dining room totally nude and walk slowly around the table.

The parents are so embarrassed that they pretend nothing is happening and keep the conversation going. The guests cooperate and also continue as if nothing extraordinary is happening. After going all the way around the room the children leave, and there is a moment of silence at the table, during which one of the children is heard saying, “You see, it is vanishing cream!”

Why was epsilon afraid of zeta?

Because zeta eta theta.

Did you hear about the Mexican that got stabbed on a golf course?

I guess someone made a hole in Juan.

I tried to submit a patent for a gold-plated, Bluetooth-ready butt plug, but Steve Jobs beat me to it.

It turns out he's already making overpriced toys for assholes!

I asked my girlfriend to 69

She sighed and said, “how bout instead we 9p?”

I got really excited- “I’ve never done that before! How does it work?”

“Well, you lay that way, I lay this way, and then we go the fuck to sleep”

Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes...

... you need to let that mango.

Oh hey, Larry's sporting bling in his ears

Joe: When did you start wearing earrings?

Larry: Since the day my wife found them in my car.

It’s confirmed . Fresh cow dung can stop corona

Dip both your hands in fresh cow dung before going out.

This will make sure that

a) you will not touch your eyes, nose, ear or mouth.

b) nobody will shake hands with you.

c) Nobody will come near you when you are out in the streets.

d) You will wash your hands thoroughly before you eat.

Cowboy Insurance

The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions.

"Ever have an accident?"

"Nope, nary a one."

"None? You've never had any accidents."

"Nope. Ain't had one. Never."

"Well, you said in this form you were bitten by a snake once. Wouldn't you consider that an accident?"

"Heck, no. That dang varmint bit me on purpose."

What do you call an evil cat, who only lives to be an ass hole?

A cat.

My hamster died today.

He fell asleep at the wheel.

Genie: You have two wishes left

Me: I wish the letter G was the letter P instead

Penie: And your final wish?

Me: I wish that every E at the end of a word was an S instead

Penis:

Ms: Nics

Yesterday, a clown held a door open for me...

I thought it was a nice jester...

A pimp opened a whore house...

But he didn't have any girls so he had to run it by hand.

I’m using viagra for my sunburn

It doesn’t make it hurt any less but it keeps the sheets off my legs

Harry can’t tell the difference between his potion brewing pot and his best friend...

They are both cauldron.

I used to be a phone sex operator...

But I got hearing aids.

I tried to kidnap a blacksmith, but when I turned my back ...

... he made a bolt for the door.