There jokes

So I complimented my friend's majestic moustache.

No idea why she had to slap me though.

My neighbors started makes sex videos.

They just don't know it yet.

Was walking home the other night and noticed a black guy carrying a TV. Looked just like mine...

So, in fear it had been stolen, I ran home to check. To my relief, mine was still there, polishing my shoes.

Why didn't they punish the student who hung himself?

He was already suspended.

Quantum entanglement is not hard to understand:

Socks come in pairs. If you put a sock on your left foot, the other sock of the pair instantly becomes the “right sock,” no matter where it is located in the universe.

Why does Ivanka get on top?

Because Donald only fucks up.

Today is 4/22!

If you missed 4/20, don't worry because today is 4/22

2 lawyers are in a restaurant eating their sandwiches.

The owner walks in and says, "You can't eat your own food in here!"

The lawyers sigh and swap sandwiches.

I always thought it was vowel movement instead of bowel movement...

Which kind of makes sense if you think about it...

You’re on the toilet going Aaaaa.... Eeeee.... Iiiiii.... Oooooo.... Uuuuu...

And sometimes WHY?!?!

BAD NEWS

President Trump awakens one Winter morning to discover someone has peed “Impeach Trump” in the snow. He calls the Secret Service to investigate.

When they return, they tell the President that they have bad news and even worse news. The bad news is that it’s Vice President Pence’s urine. This infuriates the President, who then asks what could be worse than that.

The Secret Service informs them that it’s Melania’s handwriting.

Why was the anti-vaxxer's 5 year old child crying?

Midlife crisis

I'd tell you the one about the Jonestown Massacre, BUT...

The punch line's too long.

I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra.

And she's a bitch.

Forward, it’s heavy. Backwards, it’s not. What is it?

A ton

The pretty teacher was concerned with

one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"

"I'm in love." the boy replied.

Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"

"With you!" he said.

"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."

"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a condom!"

Apple wanted to make a smaller ipod just for kids...

But they decided that Itouch Kids wouldn't be an appropriate name.

Gordon Ramsay goes to Australia and whips up a lemon meringue pie.

The whole audience cheers! “That's strange," he says. “I thought Australians usually boo meringue."

If your workplace requires password changes every 90 days

just set it to the name of the current Australian Prime minister and you should be fine.

Do you know on the Canary Islands there is not one Canary and on the Virgin Islands

same thing not one canary

What's the difference between Mike Tyson and DJ Kahled?

Tyson went down eventually.