There jokes

Why do neo-nazis drink milk?

Because they hate juice

Today my son told me he wanted to go help blind people after school...

The verb, not the adjective.

Go away bee, don't bother me.

A wise man once told me, if a bee is bothering you, don't swat or run away, just stand still and look right at it, because seeing is believing.

Friendship: Men vs. Women

Friendship Between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The suspicious husband called his wife's 10 best friends. none of them knew about it.

Friendship Between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The suspicious woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

What's all the fuss about Donald Trump's Russian Ties?

I know for a fact that all his Ties are made in China.

What do we want?

Low flying airplane noises!

When do we want them?

NNEEEEOOOOWWWWW

I've found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters.

It's shift work

My friend asked me if the new Star Wars was in 3D...

... and I said, yes, but they R2D2.

My cousin thinks he's cool because he sleeps in a race car bed.

Little does he know I sleep in an actual car.

My new girlfriend dumped me when she found out I was missing a toe

Apparently she's lactose intolerant.

Remember, if you smoke after sex

you’re doing it too fast.

How does Darth Vader eat with a mask on?

He force feeds himself.

I love it when my girlfriend says men think with their penises

That woman blows my mind

I don’t have a Police record,

but I do have a Sting CD.

$1,000 worth of products were stolen from a Games Workshop today

Police are looking for a book and three pots of paint.

I got stopped by the police around 3am last night. The officer asked me where I was going at that time of night...

I replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late"

The officer, " Oh really........ and Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

I replied, "That would be my wife"

A man is sitting in the dock at court.

The judge asks the man for his occupation. "I'm a locksmith, your honour", the defendant replies. "And what were you doing at the jewellers at three in the morning when police arrived at the scene", the judge inquires. "I was making a bolt for the door".

I asked 20 women in my neighborhood about their preferred shampoo

A staggering 100% of them use "Get out of my shower".

I hate it when people make fun of the disabled

They can't even stand up for themselves

Ohayo means "good morning" in Japanese

And that is the most interesting thing about Ohio.