A billionaire is leaving his doctor's office when he gets stopped and reminded to pay
"Doctor," he says, I've decided not to pay you for your services. Instead, I'm writing you into my will. Will that suffice?"
"Of course," replies the doctor. "But can you please give me back that prescription? I need to make a small change."
A rapist, a sexist and a racist walk into a bar
Barman: How can I help you Mr. President?
What is the worst combination of illnesses?
Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running, but can’t remember where.
A German couple has a baby...
For 4 years he makes no sound, does not speak. Then one day the mother gives him soup, he says “This soup is cold.” The parents are amazed and ask “If you can talk, why have you not spoken before?” The child replies “Up to now everything has been satisfactory!”
There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast.
On his way in he kicked a cow, pig, and a chicken. So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal. "What's the deal?" he asks. His mom says " You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you." Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicked the cat. The the boy says "Do you want me to tell him or should you?"
I was just looking at my ceiling. I am not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world,
but it’s definitely up there.
The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her
I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women
They call my dick 'the landmine'...
because the second anyone touches it, it explodes :(
Amber Heard's net worth is $2.5 million and she now has to pay Johnny Depp $15 million...
Yeah, she's forever going to be in Depp!
Nurse: “My phone just died.”
Doctor: “Let’s call it.”
Just saw a sheep fight a cow
Looks like they were in a baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad mooooooooooooooooooooooooooood
How can you tell a girl ghost from a boy ghost?
Boooooooobs!
You’re welcome.
Happy Halloween everybody!
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it......
He's gay, definitely gay.
My wife made me promise to stop making stupid jokes
So I got a vasectomy
Biology Joke
When a plant is sad, what do other plants do?
Photosympathize
I got a free iPad and iPhone today.
It's like... this gun is magic!!!
These bloody "Among Us" jokes have really run their course!
Sorry, I just had to vent.
Mercedes for Sale @ $1
Someone put up this advertisement. No one believed it, but one old man responded and went to see the car. The Lady actually sold him a Mercedes, which had done just 12,000 kms, for $1. She handed him the papers and the Car keys. Deal done.
As the old man was leaving, he said "I would die of suspense if you don't tell me why this car was sold so cheap?" The Lady replied "I am just fulfilling the will of my deceased husband, where all money receievd from sale of his Mercedes would go to his Secretary".
If anyone is alone this Christmas and has nobody to spend it with, please let me know..
I really need to borrow some chairs
An ego and a superego walk into a bar.
The bartender says “I’ll have to see some id”.