There jokes

What did the Maple syrup farmer say when he saw a good looking maple tree?

"I'd tap that."

My friends told my my clothes were gay

I told them yes, they came out of the closet this morning

My wife recently became a crossing guard at our sons school.

She hates when I ask how the child trafficking is going.

My mother has a thick Russian accent...

... and as such it makes some of her words and phrases sound odd.

For instance "want" sounds like "vant."

Or take "talk..." it sounds like "tak"

The best example is when she tries to say "I love you" and it comes out sounding like "you're a fucking disappointment."

Two goats are eating garbage

The first one finds a roll of film and eats it.

When he's done, the second one asks, "how did you like the movie?"

The first one responds, "it was OK, but I liked the book better."

They used to be called "Jumpolines"

Till your mother had a go.

How do you make a few lbs of fat look good?

Put a nipple on it.

What do you call a computer mouse that swears a lot?

A cursor!

Where do horses go when they break their legs?

The HORSEpital hahahaha,

Jk they get shot

My friends a farmer with a huge ego problem

All I did was ask where he was and he brags that he’s out standing in his field

They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles.

Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?

A woman astronaut calls her base: -Houston we have a problem. -What is it? -Nothing...

So my neighbor with the big boobs is outside, gardening topless again

I wonder if his wife is aware he does this

At 18 a woman is like Africa, wild and untamed.

At 28 a woman is like Asia, exotic and beautiful.

At 38 a woman is like America, flourishing and in the prime of life.

At 48 a woman is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest.

At 58 a woman is like Australia, everyone knows it's down there but nobody gives a damn.

I managed to shoot my very first turkey today, pretty proud of myself actually..

..though everyone else in the freezer section seemed a bit unhappy.

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night, and she said, “If you lost a few pounds, had a shave, and got your haircut, you’d look alright.” I said, “If I did that, I’d be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”

Whats the best thing about being a meth addict?

Only two more sleeps until christmas.

Albert Einstein was running 20 minutes late as a guest speaker at a science conference.

He finally arrived apologizing profusely.

Einstein: "I am so terribly sorry you all had to wait. Anyway, here's my presentation."

Host: "It's about time."

Einstein: "And space!"

Its disgusting how often women are subjected to sexism in todays society...

One of my feminist friends managed to get herself a new job recently, and literally the first thing her misogynist pig boss asked her to do was to make him a sandwich! Naturally my friend took a stand and quit on the spot, she's even talking about boycotting the entire company.

Fucking Subway...

How do prostitutes get paid?

Income