There jokes

What’s it called when a flower gives head?

Floral

Water is heavier than butane because...

Butane is a lighter fluid.

Two blondes fall into a well

The first one says “wow it’s really dark in here” the other says “really? I can’t see anything.”

I'm halfway towards my goal of becoming filthy rich.

Now I just have to have to figure out the rich part.

I became a proud dad today!

Well my son is 4.. But he was a boring little cunt for the first 3 years.

My body is in a disgusting, embarrassing, totally repulsive state right now

New Jersey, I'm in New Jersey

The English language

If you ever think English is not a shit language, just remember that read and lead rhyme and read and lead rhyme, but read and lead don't rhyme and neither do read and lead.

My chameleon couldn’t change colors, so I took him to the vet...

Poor guy was diagnosed with ereptile dysfunction.

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

Wiped his ass.

What do we want? Ominous warnings! When do we want 'em?

Soon.

A Linux sysadmin walks into a pharmacy.

"ephedrine?"

"I can't serve you that"

"sudoephedrine"

"There you go".

how do you know you are a real redneck?

you let your 12yr old daughter smoke in front of her kids.

My dad dressed up as The Invisible Man today

He's had the costume on for the last 20 years

A photon walks into a hotel

The clerk asks "do you have any bags we can help you with?"

Photon says "naw dawg, I'm travelin' light"

English lord to his servant: James a glass of water please. Here you are sir. Thank you James. Another glass of water please. Sure sir, here you are. Thank you, James.

James, please call the firemen, I don't think we can put out this fire on our own.

What do you feed a woman to stop her from giving blowjobs?

Wedding cake

What happened when the cow jumped over the barbed wire fence?

Udder disaster.

A joke my 4 year old came up with today...

Him: ‟What‘s the only mammal that can breathe under water?”

Me: ‟I dunno, what?”

Him (loudly): ‟An elephant sticking his trunk up!”

A guy wanks into a bar.

He sees two stunningly beautiful blondes and says,

"Hey, barman, two beers for the ladies."

One of the ladies turns to the guy and asks.

"I think you're wasting your time, sir. We're lesbians."

"What's that?" asks the guy.

"It means we only like to have sex with women" the girl responds.

To which the guy retorts: "Hey barman, three beers for us lesbians."

My friend can’t decide what video game system to get for Christmas ...

... Nobody can console him.