The police came to my house earlier and said my dog has chased someone on a bike.
I said, "You must be joking. My dog hasn't got a bike."
*(Reposted because I completely messed up the punchline in the original post, and have only just realised.)*
Apparently they're removing the essay section from the SAT
Now it's just going to be called the T.
I had a job interview yesterday, I poured myself a glass of water and it overflowed slightly
"Nervous?" asked the interviewer, I simply replied "No I always give 110%."
Life is like a box of chocolates...
It doesn't last as long for fat people.
Been chatting with this 14 year old girl. Real sexy and flirty. Things are going great, but now she tells me she's an undercover cop.
How fucking cool is that for someone her age.
I went to see a psychic the other day. I asked her if I was going to jail some time in the future. She said no, so I robbed her.
Bet she didn't see that coming.
My grandpop always used to say "The first rule of theater is to always leave them wanting more"...
...great man. Terrible anesthesiologist.
50 shades of grey
\#4e5054, #272727, #282828, #292929, #2b2b2b, #2c2c2c, #2e2e2e, #313131, #323232, #343434, #353535, #373737, #393939, #3a3a3a, #3c3c3c, #3f3f3f, #404040, #424242, #444444, #454545, #474747, #484848, #4a4a4a, #4b4b4b, #4d4d4d, #4e4e4e, #505050, #515151, #535353, #565656, #575757, #585858, #595959, #5b5b5b, #5c5c5c, #5e5e5e, #616161, #626262, #646464, #656565, #676767, #6a6a6a, #6b6b6b, #6c6c6c, #6d6d6d, #6f6f6f, #727272, #737373, #757575, #767676
Why does moon rock taste better than earth rock?
It's a little meteor.
Why do ghosts hate working out?
Because they have to exorcise
What do you call a sad robot?
A woebot. :(
Has anyone played that weird Mexican carnival game where groundhogs pop out of holes and you have to smear them with avocado?
I really suck at Guac-a-mole.
A sole and a flounder are swimming in the ocean when they bump into each other. The sole says, "A flounder!"
The flounder, to be polite, says nothing.
I think it's best to wear two different deodorants, one for each armpit
But that's just my two scents
A book fell on my head...
I can only blame my shelf.
An astronaut says to his friend: 'I can't find any milk for my coffee'
The friend replies 'In space, no one can. Here, use cream.'
To prevent the spread of germs, people have been told to sneeze into their upper arm. Instead, people have been stockpiling toilet paper.
This upholds the long standing belief that too many people don't know their arse from their elbow.
I have a shirt with 120 tiny pockets that fit exactly one mint each....
It's my Tic Tactical vest.
Have you heard of Y2K jelly?
It allows you to insert four digits into your date where you could previously only fit two.
Father say to son "If you keep masturbating you'll go blind."
Son replied "Dad, I'm over here."