An old woman reaches the end of her life..
A very old woman realizes that she's seen and done everything and the time has come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she decides to shoot herself through the heart.
Not wanting to make a mistake, she phones her doctor and asks him the exact location of the heart. He tells her that the heart is located two inches below the left nipple.
The old woman hangs up the phone, takes careful aim and shoots herself in the left knee.
Why are city-dwelling gnomes very good at keeping time?
Because they are metrognomes.
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye.
Turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time
A woman went to the doctor and told him " I keep farting a lot but, my farts don't smell at all, see I farted 7 times since I came here and you didn't even notice"
The doctor gave her some drugs and told her to come back to me after 10 days.
10 days later the woman came back and it was clear that she's frustrated, she told him that the drug he gave her only made the matter worse and that now her farts smell really bad.
The doctor calmly said : "great, now that we fixed your nose it's time to tackle that farting thing".
Easy way to search your wife.
A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket." "Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
The woman looked puzzled. "Why talk to me?" she asked.
"Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere!"
It’s the first day for a fraternity, and the dean is explaining the rules to the new pledges. He sternly advises them, “And I must warn you of the curfew for this semester. If I catch any of you in the women’s dorms past eight o'clock at night, it’s fifty dollars for the first time, a hundred dollars for the second time, and five hundred dollars for the third time.”
One pledge raises his hand and asks, “How much for a season pass?”
Five Important Qualities
1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.
Why are Ukrainian women the best women to date?
No matter how many times you come over, she keeps Putin out.
I’m all for gender fluidity. In fact, I sexually identify as a Non-Newtonian Fluid.
I’m flaccid and slippery most of the time, but getting slapped makes me hard.
I haven't had sex since 1956
A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman. The general replied "1956, ma'am." The woman, in disbelief, said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better." The woman and general went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour. Afterwards, the woman cuddled up to the general and said "Well, you sure haven't forgotten anything since 1956..." The general looked at her, confused, and replied "I sure hope not, it's only 2130 now."
My girlfriend is weird. Sometimes she wants my time, then sometimes suddenly she wants her space
We don't seem to have established a functional continuum
If I got $1 every time a woman said I was't her type,
I'd be her type.
I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control
I thought to myself... "Well this changes everything!"
I saw a roadside stand with a sign that said "Lobster Tails-$2". So I stopped in and paid my $2.
Then the proprietor says, "Once upon a time, there was this lobster..."
How many men does it take to open a can of beer?
None. It should be open by the time she brings it to the couch.
A man, his wife and his friend just finished diner
"It was absolutely delicious, honey! Thank you so much, princess." says the man to his wife in the kitchen. "Could you please fetch us two beers later, baby?"
His friend says: "It is very cute that you still have nicknames for her after so long time."
The man responds: "Well, I forgot her name like three years ago, so I give her nicknames to cover it up. But seriously don't tell her, amigo!"
My girlfriend once used Vaseline when she gave me a handjob . .
I came four or five times trying to wash it off.
Give a man some clothes and he’ll be clothed for a day.
Teach a man to weave and he’ll be naked for a very long time.
Man should ejaculate 21 times per month
Research says a man should ejaculate 21 times per month to reduce risk of developing prostate cancer.
It's June 2020 and I'm already done with August 2023
Boss: Hey, why are you late for work third time this week!?
Me: Um....'cause it's wednesday?
