A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says, “Ugh! That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.”
The woman stalks off to the rear of the bus and sits down. She turns to the man sitting next to her and says, “the driver just insulted me!”
The man says, “You go and give him a telling off. I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
What's the best thing about duct tape?
It turns "no,no,no !" into " mmm, mmm, mmm"...
It turns out North Korea has been naughty on purpose.
They’re hoping Santa will bring them all lumps of coal for Christmas.
"Excuse me, but I'm not a gynecologist."
“An old lady went to visit her dentist. When it was her turn, she sat in the chair, lowered her underpants, and raised her legs. The dentist said, "Excuse me, but I'm not a gynecologist." "I know," said the old lady. "I want you to take my husband's teeth out.”
A teenage girl was being intimate with her boyfriend at her parents house.
Her father after being woken by the noises goes upstairs to check it out, and walks in on them.
"Dad!" she exclaimed in a panic "...I'm sorry"
The dad being a dad replies "hi sorry, I'm Dad!"
He then turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are you fucking sorry?"
The Nintendo 64 turns 18 this week...
Which means you can now legally blow the cartridges.
The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker among themselves, is that, they don't speak the same language.
For instance, take the simple phrase - Secure the building.
The Army would post guards around the place.
The Navy would turn out the lights and lock the doors.
The Marines would kill everyone inside and set up headquarters.
The Air Force would take out a five year lease with an option to buy.
What does a Maple Leafs fan do after his team wins the Stanley Cup?
Turns off the Playstation and goes to bed.
Too soon?
Mark went for a walk in the park.
As he strolled up the path he heard someone shout, "Mark!"
He stopped and turned his head, and heard it again. "Mark!"
There was nobody around except for an old man on a bench with his dog, so he walked closer.
"Mark! Mark!" said the dog, tugging on its leash in the man's hands.
Mark was taken aback. "You.. you know my name?! ..and can ***talk***?"
"Oh?" the man lifted his head. "I'm sorry, she can't pronounce her B's".
Einstein said that the speed of light is faster than the speed of sound.
However it is possible that you may hear the sound of BMW's horn before the light turns green.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the microwave until its Bill Withers
A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get the Hell out
As he walked to the door she yelled, "And I hope you die a long slow, and very painful death He turned around and said, "So, you want me to fucking stay?"
I pulled the shell off of my snail to make him faster
Turned out it had the opposite effect, now he's a little sluggish.
I used to be addicted to hokey pokey
But I turned myself around.
A farmer is lying in bed with his wife....
when he turns to her grabs her tits and says
"Honey if you could get milk out of these we could sell the cow".
Then he grabs her pussy and says "Honey if you could get eggs out of here we could sell the chickens".
She turns to him smiles,grabs his dick and says
"Honey if you could get this up I could get rid of your brother"
My girlfriend told me I'm her 32nd lover
Turns out what she really meant was I'm her thirty second lover
So my oilfield is haunted, turned out quite profitable...
Now I can sell Super-Natural Gas!
Old German joke
An eight-year old boy had never spoken a word. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, “The soup is cold."
His astonished mother exclaimed, “Son, I’ve waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven’t you spoken before?"
The boy looked at her and replied, “Up until now, everything has been satisfactory."
One single day is all I lasted as a Mailman. Turned up on time in my shiny new uniform, was handed a letter and thought to myself..
.. this isn't for me.
In Britain, when you turn 100, you get a letter from the Queen.
And when you turn 16, you get a text from Prince Andrew.