Wife jokes

So my neighbor with the big boobs is outside, gardening topless again

I wonder if his wife is aware he does this

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

I was horrified when my wife told me that my six-year-old son wasn't actually mine

Apparently I need to pay more attention during school pick-up.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes...

She hugged me

Hear about the time Mohammed's wife called him a pedophile?

Mohammed responded "Pedophile is a pretty big word for a 9 year old!"

The carpenter came home one day...

A carpenter came home one day only to discover his wife in bed with another man.

In a total rage, he dragged the naked man down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vice.

He then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next he picked up a hacksaw.

The terrified man, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off are you?"

The man, with a gleam of revenge in his eye, said, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."

Man "I hate the world and everyone in it. I have no patience for it. It's starting to make me sick". Wife: "what do you think about me?"

Man: "oh you mean the world to me, darling".

Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong Un are discussing their countries, and decide to have a contest to see whose soldiers are more obedient.

They are in a hotel at the top of a mountain near a cliff.

Vladimir Putin instructs a soldier to run and jump off the cliff. The soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children!" Putin lets him go.

Kim Jong Un instructs a soldier to jump. The soldier runs to jump off the cliff. Putin grabs him before he can, telling him not to jump. The soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children!"

Where is my wife

A young man and an old man bumped shopping carts at the grocery store. Young man: I am sorry. I wasn't watching where I was going. I was looking for my wife. Old man : Sorry. I was also looking for my wife. Young man: Well maybe we can look together. My wife is 24. She is 5'2". She has short black hair. She is wearing a pink tube top and blue Jeans. What does your wife look like? Old man: It doesn't matter. Lets look for yours.

An old man is at home on his death bed

When suddenly he smells something amazing. It's the smell of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. And with his last strength, he gets out of bed, and he goes to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years, is cooking these beautiful chocolate chip cookies. And they are on a plate of four of them, just out of the oven. And with his last human strength, he reaches over to take one of the cookies, and his wife sees him, she rushes over, she slaps his hand, and she says, "No, they are for the funeral."

I bumped into an old school friend today. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car.

Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"

I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."

He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"

I said, "No, she's a fucking optician."

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

2 year old son spits on the floor.

Wife: We don't spit. If it's in your mouth you swallow it. Husband raises eyebrows. Wife: You shut up!

A wife decided to leave for a vacation, leaving her husband in supervision of her mother and her cat.

After a few days, she called her husband and asked, “How is everything going?”

“The cat is dead,” he replied coldly.

She cried out and said, “You could have said the cat is playing on the roof on the first day, and the next day, it broke its leg, then the next that the poor thing’s dead!

No reply. The wife sighed sadly, “Anyways, how’s my mom?”

“She’s playing on the roof.”

An old man doesn't feel well...

So he and his wife go to the doctors office. When they meet with the doctor he says "We need to do a full workup and run some tests. I'm going to need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample". The old man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and says "eh?". His wife just rolls her eyes and says "Frank, just give him your underwear!"

My wife sued for divorce because she said I couldn't get an erection.

I had evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn't stand up in court.

Two older couples were having breakfast.

Old man 1: We went to the best restaurant last night

Old man 2: What's its name?

Old man 1: Oh, I have such a terrible memory. What's that red flower?

Old man 2: Carnation?

Old man 1: No, the one with the thorns.

Old man 2: Rose?

Old man 1: That's it. (turns to his wife) Hey Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?

Easy way to search your wife.

A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket." "Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" The woman looked puzzled. "Why talk to me?" she asked. "Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere!"

My wife is blaming me for ruining our Anniversary

Which is ridiculous, cause I didn't know it was our Anniversary in the first place

A wife texted her husband

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!" The husband, typically non-romantic, replied: "I am on the toilet. Please advise."