World Peace
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas.
"World peace" I said.
"Something more realistic!" she laughed
"Ok how about a blowjob once a week?"
She reached for the phone.
"Who are you calling?" I asked.
"The United Nations" she replied.
My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo.
So I had to put my foot down.
Last night my wife wanted to have sex in the backseat of the car
And she wanted me to drive
My wife asked me to buy organic vegetables from the market, so I went and looked around and couldn’t find any. I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and asked, “These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?”
The produce guy looked at me and said, “No. You’ll have to do that yourself.”
My scientist wife decided to test the hypothesis that more sex would improve our marriage. It's already been a week, and I've concluded...
that I'm in the control group.
Whenever I have an argument with my wife, she always comes to me crawling
And then she says: "Get out from under the couch, you coward!"
So when I pee the bed...
I am a jerk, an asshole, and asked “why do you have to get so drunk”.
But when my wife pee’s the bed it’s all “my water broke” and “the baby is coming”
Hypocrite
My wife found out I was cheating after she found the letters I was hiding
She got mad and said she is never playing Scrabble with me again!
What is the difference between a wife and a job??
**Job still sucks after 10pm. ;)**
My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me. "She obviously has COVID," my wife said. "Why?" I asked.
My wife replied with a sneer, "Because she has no taste."
“I love you loads, honey pie.” My wife said earlier.
“And I love you tons.” I replied.
“What, no nickname for me?” She asked, disappointed.
Sometimes I swear the fat cow’s going deaf.
My wife just left me because I have a fetish for touching pasta.
I'm feeling cannelloni right now.
Swinger
I like to tell people my wife was a bit of a swinger back in the day.
Sounds so much better than saying she hung herself.
A man’s walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. “Twenty bucks,” she says. He’s never been with a prostitute before, but he decides what the hell.
They are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them—it’s a policeman.
“What’s going on here, people?” asks the officer.
“I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indignantly.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.”
“Well,” said the man, “to tell the truth neither did I until you flashed that light on her face.”
A man was sobbing next to his ex-wife in the hospital who had just been hit by a bus..
He kept saying "It should have been me... it should have been me" over and over, with tears flowing out of his eyes.
The nurse tried to console him, telling him "Don't be too harsh on yourself. For all you know you couldn't have changed it, even had you been there"
To which he replied : "I guess you're right. After all, I don't even know how to drive a bus"
My wife and I finally finished baby-proofing the house.
Let's see that baby try and get in here now.
My wife's star sign was cancer and it's quite ironic how she died really...
She was attacked by a giant crab.
Friendship: Men vs. Women
Friendship Between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The suspicious husband called his wife's 10 best friends. none of them knew about it.
Friendship Between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The suspicious woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.
I got stopped by the police around 3am last night. The officer asked me where I was going at that time of night...
I replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late"
The officer, " Oh really........ and Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
I replied, "That would be my wife"
Oh hey, Larry's sporting bling in his ears
Joe: When did you start wearing earrings?
Larry: Since the day my wife found them in my car.