Will jokes

Will glass coffins ever be popular?

Remains to be seen

Did you know? If you rest one of your testicles on the top of an empty beer bottle and hold a flame at the base....

eventually the testicle will be sucked inside!

If you did know this, please can you let me know how to reverse it?

**It’s quite urgent**

Osama Bin Laden’s son comes home from school crying...

He asks him: “What’s wrong son, what happened?”

“The teacher asked the class what the tallest building in New York is, and I got the answer wrong.”

“Why, what did you answer?”

“The Empire State Building.”

“Don’t worry son, daddy will take care of it.”

Don't you hate it when a teacher lies and says the homework will be a piece of cake?

It always tastes like paper.

Saw my dwarf neighbour at the bus stop this morning... So I stopped and said jump in i will give you a lift... "FUCK OFF" he screamed at me....

What an ungrateful bastard, I thought as i zipped up my backpack and continued walking.

Father: “Son, you were adopted.” SON : “What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!” Father: “We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.”

"These speakers didn't cost that much so I doubt they will work well"

"that is a cheap stereotype"

Birthdays are great...

... but too many of them will kill you.

What is the definition of a will?

Come on guys it's a dead giveaway

A daughter is in a fierce argument with her father

The dad is yelling, she's inconsolable and crying. She finally gets sick and tired of it, and storms up to her bedroom.

Before entering, she lashes out at her father "Oh, and more thing: Jim Morrison is a terrible artist!"

The father, filled with rage yells back "Young lady, there will be NO slamming of The Doors in this house!"

I am always a Gentleman.

I always open doors for a Ladies.

I was holding a door open for a young lady

Yesterday, ignorant bitch said to me.

"Will you fuck off, I'm trying to have a shit."

Father’s Day Presents..

5 year old son.....after reading story of a king.....

Son:......Mom, I also want 3 wives.....one will cook, one will sing, one will bathe me.......

Mom:....And which one will put you to sleep

Son:..No mom, i will still sleep with you....Mom's eyes filled up with tears ... God bless you son

Mom:...but who will sleep with your 3 wives

Son:....Let them sleep with daddy...

Daddy's eyes filled up with tears... God bless you son !

*Happy Father’s Day!*

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

You look for the fresh prints.

Back in the U.S.S.R.

An old Jew is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wants to join the Communist Party. A happy partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready Party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he carefully takes the membership card and presses it against his heart. In a peaceful and happy voice he whispers: "Today one more communist will die"

Degrees

The graduate with a science degree asks, 'Why does it work?'

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, 'How does it work?'

The graduate with an accounting degree asks, 'How much will it cost?'

The graduate with a liberal arts degree asks, 'Do you want fries with that?'

My time machine broke, so I took it to the time machine repairman.

He just walked up to it, kicked it and said “they sure don’t make them like they will do soon.”

Will Smith’s next movie

One flew over the cuckold’s nest

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are captured by a witch

The witch tells them, "If you say something about yourself that is true, I will let you go, if not, you will vanish into thin air"

The brunette says, "I think I'm the prettiest" *Poof!* the brunette disappears.

The redhead says, "I think I'm the smartest" *Poof!* the redhead disappears.

The blonde says, "I think..." *Poof!*

After Generation Z, the next generation should be called generation AA

It would fit even better because they will be the generation to grow up with batteries inside everything.

I will never forget my daughter's first words.

Where have you been for the last 12 years?