tattoo of a $100 bil
A guy asks for a tattoo of a $100 bill on his penis. Curious, the tattoo artist asks him why he would possibly want that. He replies, "Three reasons: I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow, and $100 seems to be the only thing my wife will blow these days."
They say in every friend group there is 1 willing to commit murder
I killed the guy I suspected most before he could do any harm .
The pilot gets ready for the flight
"Alright everyone, we will be taking off in a minute, please remain seated.", he says. After taking off, the pilot forgot the microphone on. "Know what I want now?", says the co-pilot, "a cup of coffee and a woman to suck my dick". Noticing the problem with the mic, one of the attendants bolts off to warn them. While she ran, someone on the back seats yells "Don't forget the coffee!"
We cannot allow this year to end
Because that will mean admitting that 2021.
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
A doctor and an archeologist start flirting
After a while of the doctor asks: -“What do you do for a living” -“Im an archeologist” she answers The doctor responds: -“Then I guess this isnt going to work out, you will constantly be dating other people”
So a man orders a dozen margaritas.
A man walks into a bar and immediately orders a dozen margaritas.
The bartender says, "Wow, what's the special occasion?"
The man looks up at the bartender and says, "First blowjob."
The bartender says, "Ah, I remember my first blowjob. How 'bout an extra margarita on the house?"
The man replied, "No thanks, if 12 doesn't get the taste out, nothing will."
I need to Re-Home a small Dog.
It's a very small Terrier that tends to bark a lot. If you are interested.
Let me know and I will jump over my neighbors garden fence and get the fucker for you...........
"Well grandma," I said, "this is where you will be staying eventually, do you like it? "
She shouted, "Will you fuck off and let me visit your granddad's grave in peace!"
Mexico should stop importing cocaine for a month;
then the Americans will be the ones climbing the wall...
A man lost his penis in a car accident...
He's obviously devastated. Although a lawsuit after the accident wins him £9000. During a check up with the doctor he is offered an experimental procedure. They can read build his penis at the price of £1000 per inch. Extatic, he tells the doctor he will discuss it with his wife and return tomorrow with an answer. The next day comes round and the doctor asks what the decision is. The man replies dejected "we are getting a new kitchen".
Hi Lads.
Iv'e got a load of Victoria Secret Bra sets just arrived which will make a lovely Christmas present.
If you can send me a picture of your wife's tits, I'll let you know if I have any that will fit.
Merry Christmas..
A lumberjack goes into a forest to chop down a tree. "Wait," says the tree, "I'm a talking tree."
The lumberjack smiles and says, "And you will dialogue."
They said "Find something you love to do and you will never work a day in your life"
They are darn right, that field isn't hiring!
Why is a one-night stand with a man like a snowstorm?
You never know when he’s coming, how many inches you’ll get, or how long it will last.
I got Botox and I asked the doctor “how many years younger will this make me look?”
He said “zero. You’ll just look like the other girls your age who also got Botox.”
A joke is like a frog
When you dissect it, it dies. Get it? Just like a frog dies when you dissect it, so does a joke when you explain it. Basically, the frog is used as an analogy, to help people understand that jokes shouldn't be explained, because the joke will die, or more specifically, become unfunny. So, just like when a frog dies when you dissect it, so does a joke when you dissect, or explain it.
Called my boss, what's the different between work and your daughter.
I will not be coming into work today.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day.
Give a man another fish and he will be, like, "fish, again?"
All the proof you need.
A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?"
"Do you have any proof he owes you the money?" asked the lawyer.
"Nope," replied the man.
"OK, then write him a letter asking him for the $5,000 he owed you," said the lawyer.
"But it's only $500," replied the man.
"Precisely. That’s what he will reply and then you’ll have your proof!"