World jokes

The U.K. government have predicted that Scotland could become a “third world country” if they gain independence.

I don’t know if things will improve to that extent but fingers crossed for them.

What did the gamer say when his girlfriend asked what World of Warcraft and League of Legends were?

"Wow, lol"

Panties are not the best thing in the world

But they're close to it

One day Canada will rule the world

Then everyone will be sorry!

A piece of tarmac was arguing with a stone in a bar...

"I'm the hardest!." says the tarmac, "All the roads in the country are made from me bitch!." "I'm the hardest" says the stone, "Every mountain in the world is made from me!" 2 minutes later, a piece of a bicycle lane strolls in, orders a whiskey and silently sits down in the corner. A hush falls over the bar. Sensing some hostility, the barman tries to keep the peace. "Hey guys, whose the hardest?" "We're hard, but that guy's a cycle path."

We conducted an online survey....

...and found that out of the world's population, 0% of people are Amish.

How do you get Americans to join a World War?

Tell them it's nearly finished.

Give a man a gun, he will rob a bank,

Give a man a bank and he will rob the world.

I was on a bus when this girl offered to blow me for $5...

...and never being a person to pass up a good deal, I gave her $5 and watched her do her thing. After she was finished she lit up a cigarette and started smoking right there on the bus.

I was disgusted. I thought to myself, "What is this world coming to? Who sells cigarettes to a 12 year old?"

I was just looking at my ceiling. I am not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world,

but it’s definitely up there.

My parents are always telling me that their world doesn't revolve around me

So....I guess that means that I'm not actually their sun :(

Man "I hate the world and everyone in it. I have no patience for it. It's starting to make me sick". Wife: "what do you think about me?"

Man: "oh you mean the world to me, darling".

An old woman reaches the end of her life..

A very old woman realizes that she's seen and done everything and the time has come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she decides to shoot herself through the heart.

Not wanting to make a mistake, she phones her doctor and asks him the exact location of the heart. He tells her that the heart is located two inches below the left nipple.

The old woman hangs up the phone, takes careful aim and shoots herself in the left knee.

My mom always told me I wouldn't accomplish anything by laying in bed all day

But look at me now, I'm saving the world.

Porn sites have a "sort by most viewed" feature!

What's the world coming to?