The Deadliest Job in WW2
My high school assignment was to ask a veteran about World War II. Since my father had served in the Philippines during the war, I chose him. After a few basic questions, I very gingerly asked, “Did you ever kill anyone?”
Dad got quiet. Then, in a soft voice, he said, “Probably. I was the cook.”
China should be a baseball team because they can take out the whole world with just a bat.
A young boy enters a barber shop, and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor.
"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licks his cone and replies:
"Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!"
My flat earther friend decided to prove his theory by walking to the end of the world
In the end, he came around.
Which is Coronavirus’ favorite novel?
Around the world in eighty days.
There are two types of people in this world: those that pee in the shower
And fucking liars.
And verily, John said to the Lord, “The world shall end with Trumpets?”
God: No, I meant Trump/Pence.
John: Trumpets, got it.
God: No... ah, forget it.
Buisness
Dad: I want you to marry a girl of my choice.
Son: No!
Dad: The girl is Bill Gates' daughter.
Son: Then okay.
Dad goes to Bill Gates...
Dad: I want your daughter to marry my son.
Bill Gates: No!
Dad: My son is the CEO of World Bank.
Bill Gates: Then okay.
Dad goes to the President of the World Bank...
Dad: Appoint my son as CEO.
President: No!
Dad: He is the son-in-law of Bill Gates.
President: Then ok.
This is BUSINESS
There are 10 types of people in this world
Those who thought they knew what the punchline would be, and those who are now searching for the original joke.
When I die, I want my remains to be scattered at Disney World
Also, I don't want to be cremated
The most dangerous place in the world is Gunpoint.
I'm always hearing about it in the news, robbed or kidnapped at Gunpoint. Crazy.
My wife purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
I hate how politically correct the world is these days, you can't even say black paint
You have to say
Leroy, please paint that wall
No joke, Dubai spent billions on a bunch of man-made islands and they are now sinking.
I guess all the money in the world can't help erect-isle dysfunction
During World War II, my grandpa single-handedly killed 30 German pilots.
He was the crappiest mechanic the Luftwaffe ever recruited.
I remember when porn genres were tame, none of that freak nasty stuff like furries, ugly bastards, vore, and other weird fetishes.
Seriously, what is the world cumming to?
We can't let Germany get knocked out of the world cup...
Last time it happened was in 1938 and to say they took it badly is a bit of an understatement.
How do flat earthers travel the world?
on a plane.
I bought the world's worst thesaurus today.
Not only was it terrible, but it was also terrible.
World Peace
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas.
"World peace" I said.
"Something more realistic!" she laughed
"Ok how about a blowjob once a week?"
She reached for the phone.
"Who are you calling?" I asked.
"The United Nations" she replied.