Sex could be fatal...
An 85 year old man, who has been a single widower for 30 years, gets engaged to a 27 year old girl.
He goes to his doctor for a Viagra prescription in preparation for his wedding night.
The doctor tells him, " I need to warn you that given the length of time that you have been abstinent and the potency of this drug, sex could prove to be fatal."
The old man says "Doc, if she dies, she dies."
The reason for the wage gap is that men have high paying jobs like doctor, lawyer, etc. while women usually have lower paying jobs...
...like female doctor, female lawyer, etc.
When Mozart died, you could hear his music playing backwards at his grave.
He was decomposing.
I just found out my neighborhood barber was arrested for dealing drugs!
I've been his customer for 25 years and I never knew he was a barber.
I got an e-mail saying “At Google Earth, we can even read maps backwards”, and I thought...
“That’s just spam”
I shit my pants the other day.
Which is funny, because I don't remember eating them.
I found a pen that writes underwater
It writes other words too
On Earth, science is driven by curiosity
On Mars, Curiosity is driven by scientists.
What do you get when you cross Willy Wonka with stolen fizzy lifting drinks?
You get *NOTHING*! *YOU LOSE*! *GOOD DAY, SIR*!
Momma always said police are like a box of chocolates...
They'll kill your dog.
Why did Arkansas raise the legal drinking age to 32?
To keep alcohol out of the high schools.
After masturbating post nut clarity hit hard
I guess you could say I came to my senses
I met a frail old wizard. He had bad breath and loads of blisters.
He was a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Welcome to invisibility class.
I’m pretty disappointed to see so many of you.
A boyfriend and girlfriend die at the same time and go to heaven
They go up to see St. Peter on the pearly gates. They ask him “Can we get married in heaven?”
St. Peter says “Hold on, I’ll check.”
The couple wait 72 hours and then finally St. Peter comes back and says “Yes, you can get married in heaven.”
The couple then asks “What about a divorce?”
St. Peter replies “I just spent 3 days finding a minister. Do you have any idea how long it’s gonna take to find a lawyer?”
What's the favorite drink of every British serial killer?
Casual tea
The teacher asked Little jimmy, “if I give you 4 cats today and 2 more tomorrow, how many cats will you have?” Little Jimmy said, “Seven” The teacher said, “no Jimmy, four plus two equals six. Why did you say seven?
Little Jimmy said, because I already have a cat!”
Where did Captain Hook buy his hook?
At the second hand store!
BREAKING: New Study Shows Getting Hit in the Testicles is More Painful than Childbirth
After childbirth 34% of women said “Yes” they would like to have another child.
After getting hit in the testicles ~0% of men said “Yes” they’d like to do that again.
I don't always tell Dad jokes,
but when I do, he tells me to get my fucking life together and stop being a disappointment.