You jokes

They say “Dress for the job you want.”

How do I dress like a blow job?

I sat in my closed garage with the car on for 30 mins...

before I realized I shouldn't have gone with the Tesla.

Once you go black...

..you become a single mother.

^^^sorry

There is a fine line between the denominator and the numerator

Only a fraction of people will find this funny

Wanna hear a joke about overdosing on cocaine?

I can't remember all of it, but the last line's a killer.

I like my women like I like my phones

Thin, smart, imported from Japan, and in my pocket all the time.

A man's car gets haunted by a ghost

So he decided to go to a priest to get it removed.

The priest performs the exorcism, and it works! He successfully removes the ghost from the car. He says to the man "That'll be $250." The man refuses to pay, and so a couple weeks later his car gets repossessed.

A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him, and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The man says back to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blonde. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler and he is blonde. The bouncer is blonde. The man sitting over to your left is also blonde. Still wanna tell that blonde joke?"

The blind man is silent for a moment and then says, "Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."

The first time I had sex, it was in my parent’s bedroom. My girlfriend giggled nervously and moaned, “This is a bit awkward.”

I grunted, “Just ignore them.”

The wife was nagging me for ages to put a shelf up in the front room, but as I am shit at DIY I thought that I should get some advice.

So I went to the library and asked the woman there, "do you have any books on shelves?"

I have a weird fetish for figuring things out.

I just came to this realization.

This person told me "When pigs fly I'll get my kid vaccinated!"

Alas, swine flu.

I saw a kid being beat up by 4 adults and tried to help.

Kid couldn't stand for long against 5 adults.

Cat puns

Freak meowt.

A pair of cows...

... were talking in the field. One says, “Have you heard about the mad cow disease that’s going around?”

“Yeah,” the other cow says. “Makes me glad I’m a penguin.”

What do you call two homeless people hitting eachother with cardboard?

A pillow fight.

Why did the scared cow say "Moo?"

Because it's a cow word.

----

I thought of this today, did I make a new joke?

My Sister always got bullied at school for being adopted.

Homeschooling for us was fun though

A husband and wife were sleeping one night

When they wake up the next morning, the wife says, "I had a funny dream. I dreamt that there was an auction and they were auctioning off penis'. Little ones were $10, big ones were $100"

"How much was were the ones like mine going for?"

"They were giving them away."

"Well," He says, "I had a similar dream. I dreamed that there was an auction for vaginas. Big ones were $10 and little ones were $100."

"What about ones like mine?" She inquires.

"That's where they had the auction!"

And verily, John said to the Lord, “The world shall end with Trumpets?”

God: No, I meant Trump/Pence.

John: Trumpets, got it.

God: No... ah, forget it.