You jokes

My wife was mad at my impulse purchase of an expensive revolving chair, but then she sat on it.

Eventually she came around.

I accidentally bought too many art supplies

I'm having an excess stencil crisis.

How can you tell good cops from bad cops?

Easy. Good cops carry a Goodge.

As a farmer, I love telling my dog sheep jokes,

But he'd herd them all.

What is the difference between Will Smith and Scotland ?

Independence Day

I bought a sail for my boat on Amazon the other day. Today it dawned on me that it's not the right size so I called to cancel. They said it's too late.

That sail has shipped.

Now that Trump has been banned from Twitter, we finally learned the past tense of the verb "Tweet."

Twat

A man and a woman were in bed getting ready to sleep...

...sudendly the man farts and tries to think of an excuse.

-1:0 I am winning, - says the man. Few moments later the woman lets out a big fart.

-1:1 draw, - says the woman with a smile on her face.

Man does not want to lose so he tries and tries to fart very hard. Sudendly he farts and craps all over his bed side.

-Half time break, change of sides, - says the man calmly.

My girlfriend hated my obsession with Japanese food

Sushi left me

“Feeling strange, Mr. Bond? That’s because I’ve laced your martini with a measles vaccine. The autism should be setting in any second now.”

“Joke’s on you, I already disassembled your doomsday device and rearranged all the parts in order of size.”

If you think Thursdays are depressing, wait two days

It will be a sadder day

What do you call a former stripper turned mathematician?

The thot that counts.

How did the emu feel when his friends disowned him for being too big?

Ostrich-sized.

The Lego store near my house just reopened after lockdown...

People were lining up for blocks.

Elton John is a great pianist

but I hear he sucks on the organ

My kid is an amputee. For xmas I got her a new prosthetic leg.

It's just a stocking filler

Have you noticed how you rarely see Delorian's on the road anymore?

Apparently their owners only drive them from Time to Time.

What’s an example of a palindrome?

Daughter: What's an example of a palindrome?

Dad: Mom.

Daughter: Ugh. Fine. Mom, what's an example of a palindrome?

Mom: Dad.

Daughter: OHMYGOD WHY WON'T YOU GUYS HELP ME

A drunk staggers into a church one evening, goes into the confessional box and sits down. He doesn't say a word.

The priest coughs to try and get his attention. There's no response so the priest coughs again. There's still no response from the drunk.

The priest coughs a couple of more times and still doesn't get any response, so finally he pounds on the wall.

The drunk slurs, "There's no use knocking. There's no paper this side either."

Why old men don’t get hired...

Interviewer: Tell me your greatest weakness.

Old man: my honesty.

Interviewer: I don’t think honesty is a weakness.

Old man: I don’t give a fuck what you think.