You jokes

My wife just nudged me and said, "You weren't even listening, were you?"

I thought, that's a strange way to start a conversation.

My roommate claims i’m schizophrenic.

Jokes on him, I don’t have a roommate.

Today, I saw 2 blind people fighting

Then I shouted: "I'm supporting the one with the knife", they both ran away.

Why don't blind people go for bungee jumping?

it scares the shit out of the dogs.

So Boris Johnson has tested positive for COVID-19...

Anyone else concerned with how quickly the virus has jumped from human to politician?

I just passed my drug test

my dealer has some explaining to do

How does a transgender ninja kill people?

They/them.

If Trump and Hillary are both drowning and you could only save one...

What type of sandwich would you make?

I asked my North Korean friend how he liked living there,

He said he can't complain.

I need glasses to see my family.

In particular, two glasses of Scotch.

When are minorities not minorities?

When you look at crime statistics.

Why was Star Wars shot Episodes 4, 5, 6, then 1, 2, 3?

Because in charge of directing, Yoda was

What is true in both Minecraft and real life.

Never waste diamonds on a hoe.

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion

and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

Sex Ed in 2015

Remember kids, 'Netflix and Chill' is only one "D" away from 'Netflix and Child.'

My dad can do all the same tricks that my dog can.

Except for stay.

Ted Cruz left the Navy 9/11 memorial service early...

He only had time to meet a handful of semen.

Why did Hitler storm off the golf course?

He quit after one shot in the bunker.

I'm 27, my BF is 37. Is 10 years too much of an age gap?

'cause his son is 17 and really hot.

What do sex and air have in common?

It's no big deal unless you aren't getting any.

Heard on the radio.