You jokes

A man walks into the bar...

The bartender: "Hi Dave!"

The boss faints.

My wife asked me to get a Vladimir Putin tattoo.

When I got home she asked me about it excitedly.

I pulled down my trousers and showed her my crotch, where the word "Gigawatt" had been tattooed on my penis.

"What the fuck is that?" she yelled.

I said, "It's a prick with too much power."

Took my wife to the doctors today to sort out her Tourettes.

Turns out she doesn't have Tourettes.

I am a Cunt and she really does want me to Fuck off.

Why does it take southerners so long to do their chores?

Because slavery is illegal.

The lawyer just told us that all of our late grandfather’s assets are Frozen.

No idea why he bought so many DVDs of the movie.

What has a 1000 teeth and holds back a monster?

My zipper.

A blonde police officer pulls over a blonde

The police officer asks the blonde, "Can I see you license and registration, please?". The blonde then asked, "What is that?", the police officer says, "That thing with your face on it", the blonde then pulls a mirror out of her purse, and hands it to the police officer. The police officer then says, "Oh, my bad, if I knew you were a police officer I wouldn't have pulled you over."

Are the penis and the testicles the same?

No! There's a vas deferens between them!

My brother who has a stutter got life in prison

It’s just heartbreaking knowing he will never finish his sentence

What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver.

One goes *THWACK*, oh fuck. The other goes oh fuck, *THWACK*.

Ordered a Chinese earlier in the day. The Chinese driver pulls up and walks to the door. I walked out to meet him and he started shouting, "Isolate isolate!"

I said, "Calm down dude, you're not that late. I only ordered it half an hour ago!"

Computer Programmer and Mechanic Driving

A computer programmer and a mechanic were driving down a steep mountain slope. The brakes stop working. The car careens out of control and scrapes the guard rails. They make it safely to the bottom of the mountain and pull over. After recovering, the mechanic says, "The brakes must have gone out." The programmer says, "Lets turn the car off, back on, drive it up the mountain and see if it is repeatable."

I decided to become vegan today

The hardest part is quitting cold turkey.

Jared Fogles career started and ended the same way.

Trying to get in to smaller pants.

I hear the inventor of auto correct died

I didn't even know he was I'll

Doctor: I'm afraid you lost 20% of your sight.

Me: *(sigh)*

Last week, after a one night stand with a woman, she had the gall to get up and use my toothbrush without even asking first. I told her, "That's disgusting!" She replied, "Well, we just had sex, so what's the big difference?"

I answered, "The difference is, I was gonna use the toothbrush again."

I was eating a steak in my favorite restaurant, when a girl came to my table and shouted at me: "Enjoying your meat, murderer?!"

Seriously Rachel it was 15 years ago and your dad had a knife. Jeez.

An Atheist...

Walks up to the Pearly Gates. God says, "I will let you in if you can make me laugh."

The Atheist asks, "who is the greatest Jewish baker of all time? Hitler. He made over 60,000 Jews toast."

God looks at him and says, "A holocaust joke? That is not really funny."

The atheist replied, "Eh, I guess you should have been there."

My son said "Dad, does wanking give you muscles?"

I replied "I'm not sure son, but don't stop, I'm about to cum."