You jokes

Why are priests called father? Because it's too suspicious to call them daddy.

A condom and bungee jumping are exactly alike. If the rubber breaks, you're in trouble.

Little Johnny was sitting in class behind a girl called Sally. The teacher asks the class, "Who created the Earth?" Little Johnny pokes Sally in the back with his sharpened pencil, and she jumps and says, "MY GOD!" The teacher says, "Yes, Sally, God did create the Earth." Sally sits down. The teacher then asks, "Where do you go after you live a good life?" Little Johnny pokes Sally again, and she jumps up and says, "HEAVENS TO BETSY!" The teacher says, "Yes, Sally. You will go to heaven after you live a good life." Sally sits down, knowing full well Little Johnny was poking her. Sally gives Little Johnny an angry glare, turns around, and then, the teacher asks, "What did Eve say to Adam after their 77th child?" Little Johnny pokes Sally HARDER this time, and Sally jumps, turns around, and says, "If you stick that thing in me one more time, I swear I'm gonna lose it!" And the teacher faints.

Sometimes I get jealous when my phone dies.

My family is like a treasure... You need a map and a shovel to find them.

"Today was great." "What happened?" "I ran into my ex." "What's great about that?" "I was in my car."

Today, I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor man. The joy I felt as he slid the pistol back into his pocket was indescribable.

Suicide is wrong, but if you yell "parkour" while jumping off a bridge, it's a failed stunt.

My girlfriend left me, so I took her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?

What do Jewish pedophiles say to kids?

Hey, wanna buy some candy?

What video game would Adolf Hitler play?

Mein Kraft

A Polish guy goes to the eye doctor

The doctor holds up a chart: K Z S Y X W K P G and asks the man if he can read it. "Read it?" he says, "I *know* the guy!"

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks "Can I get you anything?" The horse replies "I think not," a promptly disappears.

If you don't get it, it's important to first understand that the French philosopher Descartes famously said, "I think, therefore I am." So when the horse said "I think not," then he could no longer be.

I guess I could have explained all of that before I told the joke, but that would be putting Descartes before the horse.

“Hey Descartes, I bet I can beat you in a footrace!”

“I think not!” Descartes replies.

And poof!

He instantly disappears.

India is a very peaceful country.

Because nobody has any beef over there.

Did you hear about the Mexican train killer?

He had locomotives

Hey, are you suicide? Because I want to do you!

A man comes to a carpet store and says:

“I need a rug.”

“Why so gloomy, pal? Are you going to wrap a body in it, eh?”

“I need two rugs.”

Why are orphans so bad at dodgeball? Because no one misses them.

What do Jesus and floppy discs have in common?

They died to become the icon of saving.